Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Word From The Jesus People

I was opening mail at work today, and some kind person who is clearly worried about my immortal soul had stuffed one of our business reply envelopes with important and timely literature from The Jesus People**, regarding repentance for sin, peace and happiness, and (ahem) alcohol.

But my favorite one was the pamphlet regarding "The (Jesus People) Manner of Dress".

Before I continue, let me just say that I'm a fairly conservative dresser and probably no Jesus People would have any issues with my clothing, except for maybe that one black knit skirt that I wear with The Sweater, and the ridiculously-fab, shiny high heels. It's the outfit that makes men spill sh*t on themselves when I walk by--but honestly, it's not a lot of skin showing, and I can't help it if some men have truly delightful imaginations. That ensemble would pass for appropriate business attire in any corporate office in America...let 'em spill. It's not like I'm using that attention to get ahead (much), it's just that sometimes, in between working my ass off from dawn til dusk, it's nice to have a bit of attention based on something other than how my brain operates.

Then again...as conservative as my clothing is, I have a lot of outfits that draw that same kind of attention. I'm not bad, I was just drawn this way. Most women have the exact same problem--no matter what they wear, there's always someone that wants to rip it off of them.

The Jesus People say that "suggestive attire draws attention to the human form and promotes lustful thoughts and desires."

Welcome to Sales...

...without lustful thought or desire, nobody would ever buy anything. And all the fine, fine Jesus People, along with their sinful counterparts, would be out of work. Then the real fun would begin.

And please allow me to draw attention AWAY from the bikini babes in the beer commercials--those not-so-subtle messages are for the stupid people. Lets talk about the REAL sales jobs that go on all day, every day, in every situation you encounter in your life, and how the only way to 'win' at selling your thing, your thought, your idea, your ideology, your product, is to dress it up better than the other guy--not necessarily by showing a lot of skin, but by introducing WANT and DESIRE into a place where previously there was none.


And let me further mention that without WANT and DESIRE, this species would have died out a long time ago. I mean, really...even if your whole thing is "No sex until marriage" (and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that), what is it that compels you to marry someone in the first place? DESIRE.


The person you ended up marrying somehow did a better job of selling themselves than all the other schmohs who applied for the job. They were more desirable. Bigger, stronger, faster, smarter...whatever. Or maybe they weren't bigger, stronger, faster, smarter, but somehow managed to convince you that they were, with an elaborate series of sales pitches. No matter...since the dawn of humanity, that's how it has been done.

The only sales tool used as often as Want or Desire is Fear. Fear, the most insidious evil of all. Fear, the tool most often used by The Jesus People--used to convince you that you can't handle yourself (literally or figuratively) without something really, really bad happening.


Changing gears, just slightly...I've seen plenty of women out there, not at the office, necessarily, but, say, at a concert, or on Halloween night or something, tramping it up for the attention, and, I have to ask "Why?" Considering that I'm just a normal-looking woman who doesn't do that and I've gotten plenty of attention and a half-dozen marriage proposals, even without having ever owned a leather mini-skirt or thigh-high boots, I must say that I just don't get it. I'm sure that the trampy women are the ones to whom the Jesus People are speaking. I wish they would stop trying to convert them. The chick with half her ass hanging out makes the rest of us look really, REALLY good to the decent guys, and I'd like to keep her around to draw the creeps away from me. Seriously, if you're out and you see someone dressed like that, it's sooooo much simpler to determine which men to avoid--they would be the ones that are hovering around the trampy chick. Please, Jesus People, please! Do not take away this valuable community service!

Of course, that does create the added problem of stupid people mating....hmmm...

Then again, without a vast audience of insecure people, who would the Jesus People have left to talk to?

**"Jesus People"--those who might determine that you are somehow less of a good person than they are because you don't happen to practice or believe in their incredibly specific, yet constantly changing ideology. They are recognized by the way they pick and choose what is "good" and what is "bad", and how their definition of "good" and "bad" changes based on what their leaders can get away with. Most true "Jesus People" don't care if you are happy or not, they just have some kind of ego wrapped up into getting as many people to join their club as possible. Their sales methods often border on evil, and as such, they are often mistaken for regular narcissists, who also don't give a shit about you...


  1. Didn't they just steal your companies postage by using the prepaid envelope?

    Just checked my card of things not to do and stealing is a sin!

  2. It's OK as long as they didn't wear the dominatrix gear to walk that letter down to the mailbox...


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