Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
- Just curious...what exactly is the "Surprise" in the city of Surprise, AZ? Anyone? Anyone?
Monday, February 23, 2009
Makes you think.
I suppose that is the entire reason behind the use of those words in a divorce petition.
"Item Number 6: There has been an irretrievable breakdown of my marriage relationship with Respondent and the marriage cannot be saved."
It is heavy, to be sure, but lacks the dramatic flair of "I felt like I was dying..."
Why is it that they let you write your own marriage vows, but not your own divorce "vows"? We are such hypocrites. You get married and everybody is all about the bliss and the happiness. Your friends, family, and the nation all stand by their notion that it about the love and making babies and that somehow, some way, being in love and who you love is the only thing you need concern yourself with when you get married.
Perhaps, if everybody look at it in the cold starkness of the business and assets and legal partnership aspect of it, the way we look at divorce, then there wouldn't be such a freak-out over gay people getting married.
After all, marriage, legally, has nothing to do with love, or who you love. For proof of that, I offer up the 30-page legal document about my marriage that I am looking at right now. The word "love" is not mentioned, even once, in this divorce petition. I suppose I could write it somewhere in the Additional Comments section, but frankly, it seems out of place. In fact, if you look at this document, there is something quite striking about it: You're never asked "why"? It doesn't even allow for the insertion of an explanation after Item Number 6.
So, why is it that we can't write our own divorce "vows"? Why is getting married so damn easy (for heterosexuals) and divorce comes with an implied "Are you SURE you want to do this?" level of legalese that makes you realize, oh, by the way, that this is a SERIOUS legal contract you are trying to get out of. Why is it that the law wants you to think so hard about getting divorced, but not about getting married? Hardly anybody ever asks you if you're SURE you want to get married...and even if they do, what do we say? What do we ALL say? We say, "But I really, really love him/her." And for some reason, everyone is OK with that--you need say nothing more. Incredibly stupid.
What if we had to fill out 30 pages of cold, hard, financial information and have it notarized BEFORE we were allowed to marry? Wouldn't that make more sense? Because I'm filling out that information right now, and I must tell you that the fact that I can't actually tell you how much money my husband makes in a year has me a little weirded out--not because I give a shit how much money he makes in a year, but because I can't believe that, all of a sudden, its important to somebody. When we were getting married, nobody asked. Why not? If its so damn important that I know this, why was I not required to know this going in?
If its really about love, and who you love or why you love them, or what bonds you together, then why is there no place on this petition for divorce, this legal document, for me to list all of the stupid shit that happened to break that bond?
Sunday, February 22, 2009
OK, on with the fluff...
You Would Win Best Original Screenplay
You are insightful and expressive. You've always been a natural storyteller.
You know how to hook an audience, entertain them, and surprise them at the end.
Where people see everyday life, you see an engaging plot with interesting characters.
You notice details that other people ignore. People you've only met once or twice live inside your head.
Your Russian Name Is: Lilia Dimitra Ivanov
You Were a Praying Mantis
You have the still power of a legendary warrior.
You are able to manipulate time - or at least, the perception of it.
Anyone else remember that song, Praying Mantis? Who did that?
You Are Punk Music
You've thought long and hard about what mainstream society has to offer...
And you've pretty much decided that most normal things aren't for you.
You're creative, expressive, and likely to do things yourself.
You are a rebel and a fighter. You'll defend your point of view to anyone.
You Are Kidnapping
You love to be in control. You are incredibly dominant.
A part of you even likes to make people suffer. It's all about power!
You love to take risks, especially if the potential payoff is huge.
But you wouldn't be in crime only for the money. You're twisted enough to just enjoy screwing with people.
Duuuuuuuuuuuude! If only I had known I was incredibly dominant! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
And here is a cool article by Travis Wright--Stop Making Failures of Your Children. ThankyouThankyouThankyou for writing that, Travis--once again, you rock!
Barrett Chase on the DTV conversion. Perfectly skewed, and right to the point, as usual.
And, if you are really bored after all of that, I updated my MySpace profile, so you can look at that if you want to. I don't get there too terribly often, but, hey, the music kicks ass this week...
Speaking of kick ass music, you can pretend I didn't say I TOLD YOU SO about the fact that Back Door Slam will no longer be operating as the trio we came to know. Who coulda predicted that? Oh, yeah, never mind....I did.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Speaking as someone who has lived with at least some of their possessions in cardboard boxes for an entire year, now, having only three boxes left to unpack was significant.
Three. Just three.
The three boxes contained CD's, mostly, and there was a lot of "Oh Thank God I didn't leave this in Mobile" going on when I unpacked those boxes this evening. Finding...Comfort Eagle, for example. A girl needs her Cake. We'll just tuck that in the purse for the commute tomorrow...
The record collections are usually among the most hotly contested things at the end of any relationship--they write whole scenes in movies about people coming to blows over who gets what.
When I packed, I did it knowing that I would not have the luxury of returning if I had forgotten anything. It was a 1300 mile move, so whatever choices I made, those choices would have to be final. Sure, I suppose I could ask the ex to mail me stuff, but, oh wait, never mind. I am STILL waiting to get the title to the car to which I now own the loan. Very, very convenient for him to hold the title to a car for which I am financially responsible. Don't get me started.
I made all those packing and leaving choices during a week of the most extreme emotional upheaval of my life. I knew it wasn't going to make any sense to me the next morning, but I never pictured myself standing in my kitchen six months later, wondering why I have two ice cream scoops but no colander. Also? I have an ice cream MAKER, but, didn't think to grab one of the 27 decent frying pans.
Thinking back on it now, I can't recall my criteria at packing time--what, besides space considerations, made me think, "No, HE should have this..."? Because I know I did a lot of that--I examined things and decided if it was something to which he would have a stronger emotional attachment than me. I actually DID that!
Of course, he had a big tag sale a month after I left, and sold all of the stuff I had agonized over. I REALLY need to get over this notion that people think about things as much as I do. Nooooobody thinks about things as much as I do. Nobody.
For some reason, I packed only the really crappy cooking pans, too. It would almost be worth the plane ticket to go raid my former kitchen. I'm sure the title for the car is somewhere on that black hole known as Jim's Bedroom Dresser.
The three boxes are now unpacked. I no longer live with cardboard. This will take some getting used to. I'd completely forgotten what it was like to have everything in its place. I don't think everything has been in it's place for more than just a year--more like 9 years. Perhaps this will take more getting used to than I thought.
Friday, February 13, 2009
(For those of you forced to partake on Facebook, you have to tag 15 people and make them do it too! Whooooo-Hoooooo!)
1. Last beverage→ Las Brisas
2. Last phone call→ Punky
3. Last text message→ Miss Sarah!
4. Last song you listened to: Something by the Talking Heads that was on Pandora and I can't remember what it was called, but it fucking grooved...
5. Last time you cried→ Last night
SIX HAVE YOU EVER:
1. Dated someone twice → I don't recall...
2. Been cheated on?→ Yep
3. Kissed someone & regretted it? Duh...
4. Lost someone special?→ Yes
5. Been depressed?→ Not really
LIST FOUR FAVORITE COLORS:
1. Deep Red
4. Butter Cream!!!!!!!!!! :-)
1. Made new friends → Yep!
2. Fallen out of love → Yes
3. Laughed until you cried → ALL THE TIME!!
4. Met someone who changed you→ Yes.
5. Found out who your true friends were → You learn a little more of that every day
6. Found out someone was talking about you→ Yeah, just today, I actually over-heard them...nice.
7. Kissed anyone on your friend's list→ I don't think so!
8. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life → All but one
9. How many kids do you want to have→ I already have some of those...
10. Do you have any pets → Two cats--Jack and Bailey. Jack is completely fucking insane. Bailey is a snob.
11. Do you want to change your name→ As it happens, I will be doing that soon.
12. What did you do for your last birthday→ I was living on the Gulf Coast at the time. I think I spent some hours by the pool and perhaps drank some wine.
13. What time did you wake up today → 3:55. Apparently there was some shit going on in the universe that I needed to be awake for.
14. What were you doing at midnight last night → Zzzzzzzz
15. Name something you CANNOT wait for → If I tell you, it will never happen
16. Last time you saw your father--> Last fall
17. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life → I'm actually changing a lot of things right now. I'm sure there will be more.
18. What are you listening to right now → Rudie Can't Fail! I just love that somebody used the word "feckless" in a song. Now if somebody could use the word "lascivious" in a song, my life would be complete.
19. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom → I suppose....you know, come to think of it, I don't recall actually knowing anyone by that name. Weird...
23. What's getting on your nerves right now? → My desktop is dragging it's ass tonight, and I think I better switch to the laptop.
24. Most visited webpage → GMAIL, for sure. All day, every day. HA!
1. What's your name→ Shelly Payne
2. Nicknames→ Actually, "Shelly" is a nickname
3. Relationship Status → I really suck at relationships. Therefore, I am not in one. Try to act surprised.
4. Zodiac sign→ Cancer
5. Male or female or transgendered→ Female
6. Elementary→ Aaah....the loverly small town in Western North Dakota that I won't be naming here, because this will be posted all over the place, not just Facebook.
7. Middle School → Middle School? HA! This town was so small, we had no such thing!!!
8. High school → I went to high school in the same building where I went to elementary school. Oooooo.....aaaaaah...
10. Hair color → Changes all the time. Blondish, usually, though I did just dye it brown in December. Aaaaand, it will change yet again this weekend! Yay! Hair color!
11. Long or short → Short. Wait! Are we talking about my hair?
16. Height → 5'7"
17. Do you have a crush on someone? I can honestly say "no" to that...
18: What do you like about yourself? → I'm a damned humorous girl
19. Piercings → Ears
21. Righty or lefty → Righty
23. First piercing → My ears
26. First sport you joined → Basketball! What else is there...? hehe
24. First best friend → Diana R
27. First pet → Growing up, I had a few cats--Rusty, Rama, Sambo. And we had a dog named Duchess. And my mom had two dogs, Lucy and Dixie.
28. First vacation→ Vacation.....what is this "vacation" you speak of?
29. First concert → I believe that was Joan Jett. Or...was it? Jeeez...that was a billion years ago. I'm a jillion years old, you know, don't ask me this stuff.
30. First crush → I had a crush on the local TV camera man for a while. He's probably not cute anymore.
49. Eating → Just finished eating, now I am DRINKING, thank you.
50. Drinking → Las Brisas. Its wine. From Spain. The happy folks at 44 France were nice enough to recommend it.
52. I'm about to → Plow through another 50 of these things.
53. Listening to → Mr. Jones, by Talking Heads. Dancing around the living room. Its all good.
55. Waiting for → Not a thing.
YOUR FUTURE :
58. Want kids? Gosh, I sure hope so, since I have them already.
59. Want to get married? HA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Oh, never mind...it would take too long to explain.
60. Careers in mind? Something where it actually matters if I show up or not. That is also my top criteria for a relationship, by the way...
WHICH IS BETTER WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX?
68. Lips or eyes → Hmmm....I don't really know. I guess I have never though of anyone having sexy lips. Or eyes, really. I think they should just have a good vibe about them.
69. Hugs or kisses → I like them both, sometimes simultaneously!
70. Shorter or taller → Shorter
71. Older or Younger → Doesn't matter
72. Romantic or spontaneous → Wait....isn't spontaneous considered romantic?
73. Nice stomach or nice arms → Jeeez...I have no idea...
74. Sensitive or loud → Both
75. Hook-up or relationship → relationship. of some kind. I dunno.
77. Trouble maker or hesitant→ What kind of trouble are we talking about here? Something I would enjoy?
HAVE YOU EVER :
78. Kissed a stranger → Yes
79. Drank hard liquor → Perhaps...HA!
80. Lost glasses/contacts → I don't think so
81. Sex on first date --> Is that a "date" then? Or just getting together for the purposes of sex? Not that its a bad thing.... ;-)
82. Broken someone's heart → I'm not entirely sure
83. Had your own heart broken → All the time.
85. Been arrested → Oops! Look at the time!
86. Turned someone down → Yes
87. Cried when someone died → Gee, I don't know anybody who does that...What the hell?
88. Liked a friend that is a girl? → You mean, had sexy feelings toward someone of the same sex? No. Sadly, I love men. Those annoying, impossible, rat-bastards..
DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
89. Yourself → Yes
90. Miracles → Absolutely
91. Love at first sight → Huh....well.....I'm not sure how to answer that. I mean, I've looked at someone and immediately thought, "I WANT that person" but I don't think that I was actually capable of loving them until a long time had passed and I got over my heavy lust thing. Heavy lust is a useful thing, though--wakes you right up!
92. Heaven → Well...do you really want to have this discussion? Cuz, I have some theories.
93. Santa Claus → *blink* *blink* What do you mean?
95. Kiss on the first date? → Depends
96. Angels → Absolutely
97. Is there one person you want to be with right now? → I'm not sure.
98. Had more than one boyfriend/girlfriend at one time? → Not really.
100.........wait a minute? WTF? hehe....
OK, people, your turn! You tortured me with the 25 things, did you expect me not to retaliate?
Thursday, February 12, 2009
This is an interesting and timely article from our friends at Psychology Today (Cuz, Psychology Today is just the kind of geek pop-science I get into, and yes, I have been subscribing to that magazing for years...). Click the title to link to the article on their site.
A number of years ago the dean of a leading medical school opened the commencement ceremonies with a message to the newly graduated physicians, "Fifty percent of what we taught you is wrong. The trouble is, we don't know which fifty percent."
The uncertainty percentage is much greater in social sciences, due to the enormous number of variables that influence even a barely adequate analysis of complex phenomena. Almost everything I learned in graduate school about emotions is wrong. I can read certain things I wrote just six years ago and be amazed at how wrong they are, given new developments in technology that reveal so much more about how the brain works, along with a more vigorous study of emotion in animals - with whom our most basic emotions have much in common - and more adequate immersion in the sociological and social psychology literature. But the goal of this post isn't to enumerate the many mistakes I and other authors have made about emotions. Rather, I hope to foster a healthy appreciation of the benefits of uncertainty.
Many of the mistakes we make when we experience emotions are due to the illusion of certainty they create. High adrenalin and cortisol emotions, particularly anger, fear, and, to a lesser degree, shame, create the profoundest illusions of certainty, due to their amphetamine effects. Amphetamines create a temporary sense of confidence by increasing metabolic energy production, while narrowing mental focus and eliminating most variables from consideration. That's why you feel more confident after a cup of coffee than before it. It's why feel more confident that you are right and everyone else is wrong when you're angry, that something is dangerous when you're afraid, and that you're failing or defective when you're ashamed.
Certainty itself is really an emotional state, not an intellectual one. To create a feeling of certainty, the brain must filter out far more information than it processes, which, of course, greatly increases its already high error rate during emotional arousal. In other words, the more certain you feel, the more likely you are wrong.
Mental focus, the foundation of feelings of certainty, distorts reality by magnifying and amplifying one or two aspects of it while filtering out everything else. You might discover more detail about the one or two aspects you focus on, but what you discover will have no contextual meaning, because you have isolated those aspects from their dynamic interaction with the rest of the reality in which they exist. In other words, focus magnifies things out of proportion and blows them out of context.
The Science of Uncertainty
Uncertainty is the foundation of science. Scientific "knowledge" is not a collection of facts but a schedule of probabilities, i.e., how likely a series of hypotheses are to be true, based on the likelihood that the series of observations supporting them are true. Science advances by constantly testing its assumptions - all of which have built-in biases - with different observations made with different methods from different vantage points, all of which have built-in reality distortions, because they require focus and relative reference points. Wherever you shine light you create shadows. Scientific inquiry pieces together those observations with the highest probability of minimal distortions, to come up with a composite, dynamic picture of reality that is never complete and bound to change with more observations and hypothesis-testing.
Yet the uncertainty that drives scientific inquiry to constantly test and reject its assumptions and observations does not lead us in circles; despite occasional blind alleys, science - and the technology derived from it - does progress. It's safe to say that we won't return to thinking that the world is flat or that some emotions are caused by demons or evil spirits. We know more now than we did a few years ago, but what we know and the way we know it changes almost daily.
Coping with Uncertainty
How we cope with uncertainty determines how well we do in science and, more important, how well we do in life. Uncertainty, if we can tolerate it, drives us to learn more intellectually and connect to one another emotionally. It can make us smarter and more compassionate, as long as we can tolerate it.
Unfortunately, humans have a great deal of trouble tolerating uncertainty because it provokes anxiety - what you don't know might kill you. Experiments show that more anxious people have lower tolerance of ambiguity and are more likely to generalize and miss nuance of perception, not because they are less intelligent or less sensitive or more prejudice but because they are more anxious - calm the anxiety and they do much better. It is temperamentally harder for them to do what we all must do - use uncertainty as a motivation to learn and connect. Yet, to their enormous credit, most temperamentally anxious people are able to overcome that disability; most learn and connect reasonably well.
All of us, at one time or another, have reacted to uncertainty, not by learning and connecting, but by trying to pretend that it doesn't exist. Instead of seeing it as a friend, we vainly try to defeat it - or cover it up - with dogma, superstition, delusions, drugs, ego, attempts to control the environment and other people, perfectionism, depression, and anger.
And all of us, at one time or another, cope with uncertainty through an implicit recognition that it gives value and meaning to life and that our quest to understand and connect, in the long run, makes us less feel vulnerable. More important, we sometimes grasp that the ever-changing, never-completed picture of reality that uncertainty drives us to piece together is the substance of our lives.
Life can be hard for the certain - reality simply won't cooperate with their view of it. Fortunately, life can also be exciting and more valuable for those who embrace its inherent uncertainty.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
t: you know, i sort of know Mr Grass
t: instead he builds porn sites on the side
i think he's got ties to people in thailand that shoot vid in brothels
I am sick. I know that I am sick...luckily, most of my friends find it mildly amusing.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Sunday, February 8, 2009
"No", I replied.
He answered, "I'm watching it. It is deep and weird, just like you."
Director Todd Haynes, when asked why he made this movie, exclaimed that "Bob Dylan made me do it" and that his (Todd's) hands were "tied behind my back!"
Figuratively speaking, I'm certain.
What he said immediately reminded me of a favorite lyric--If my hands are tied, must I not wonder within, who tied them and why, and where must I have been?
Dylan song. Oh, the irony.
Mr. Haynes' answer did not seem as strange to me as the fact that someone chose to ask him "Why?" The interviewer was an idiot, though "Why?" is not always a stupid question. It is sometimes a painful one to ask an artist, however.
Sometimes, a thing is made as a result of a long, drawn-out obsession that you could no sooner explain than you could take out and switch your own eyeballs from one socket to the other and have them still work when you had completely the grisly task.
Let us not forget that in the throws of obsession, the eyeball option could potentially start to make sense.
The thing is, you don't know why. You have no idea. Sometimes, you're not sure you even wrote a thing so much as you just looked up, saw it hanging in the sky, and plucked it out of the air.
Obsession is like rocket fuel for a writer. High Octane.. Fast-burning. Expensive. Sometimes it takes you somewhere. Sometimes you just blow up. Sometimes, you think you have arrived at "somewhere", while the rest of the world is convinced that you have, in fact, blown up. You can't really win when you're losing your mind. Explaining why you did a thing isn't going to make anybody else like the thing or, like the fact that you took time out of your life to do it. Better to just speak the truth, which is to say that you did it so you could finally find some peace.
"Deep and Weird", something my brother meant as a compliment, is the type of high praise that could only come from someone who is, themselves, a little deep, and a little weird. Like my brother. Maybe its an Aquarian thing--He's having a birthday today.
Randy once wandered the streets of Okinawa looking for a barber who spoke no English, because he figured that was his best chance at getting a "real" haircut in Japan. He's like that. He thinks about the authentic experience. He doesn't go for things produced by huge conglomerates--he'd rather have the thing handmade by "some dude". He lives a very relaxed existence with out on the prairie, in a town with a population of about 12, if you count his fiance and their two cats. Of all of my siblings, he is the one most likely to drunk dial me. He still has that worn-out copy of Cyrano de Bergerac that I gave him when he was 13, but no longer owns the Bible with which he was confirmed. He listens to ancient blues records. He is incredibly opinionated, while still being among the most open-minded people I have ever known. He regularly plucks things out of the air, and fearlessly shares his finds. Occasionally, you find him inquiring about rocket fuel.
Oh, and he likes Bob Dylan.
I lucked into this man as a brother, given the fact that you can't choose your siblings. While I may lead the family charge in the Deep and Weird department, he runs a close second. And I mean that as a compliment.
Friday, February 6, 2009
- People who drive aggressively....in mini-vans. Its just so comical.
- The lunch lady greets me by name. Never mind the that I work in a secure building and we all have these geek tags and name tags and key cards hanging all over us. Never mind that I am easily identified by anyone within these four walls....Forget all that. The fact that every time the lunch lady sees me, she says, "Hey, Shelly! How are you?" makes me stupid happy. Makes me think, "Yeah, its a $7 quesadilla, but...that's OK!" Give that girl a raise.
- Seeing the top of my desk. When I finally clear away all the piles of paper (which does happen occasionally!), the sheer delight of the moment takes me away to a happy place.
- Fire Escape by Fastball. What a perfect song this is...check it out on the widget if you haven't heard it...(For those of you reading on Facebook or MySpace, Come Here! Its where I keep the widgets...) I've always thought this was a perfect little song, but hadn't heard it in a while, until somebody played it yesterday. Yup, still perfect. Speaking of cool songs,
- Don't Be Lonely. Sure, people look at you funny when you're dancing at your desk...That's OK! Give that girl a raise! (Sorry, no widgetty love on that track, but you can be all retro and go buy the album HERE. And you can tell that I AM retro, cuz I used the word "album".)
- Steak. I am rather unapologetic about the carnivore thing. I can't wait to get home. There might even be a cold Schells to go with that hunk of beef that is waiting for me...and a pan of brownies. And I promise to eat it while sitting on the floor in front of the television. Its Friday...
- This City. Driving in to work this morning, I had a real "I love this town" moment. I was exciting 494 North and looked back on a beautiful sunrise. The temperature was cold, but nice--things were covered in frost, and it everything looked really cool. I'm just....really loving the fact that I am here right now. Life is really, really good right now. I haven't even had the time to think about it until just this morning.
You Are Lukewarm
You feel open and generous sometimes, but you don't always feel like being friendly.
You're not naturally outgoing or curious about people. Being around others drains your resources.
So considering how you feel, you're actually quite warm. You do your best.
And you often find it easy to be warm toward the people you like the most.
"Lukewarm"! Yeah!!! I figured it would be "Cold Hearted Bitch", but apparently the years have warmed me somewhat...
Your Hidden Talent is Understanding People
Your natural talent is interpersonal relations and dealing with people.
You communicate well and are able to bring disparate groups together.
Your calming presence helps everything go more smoothly.
People crave your praise and complements.
You Are a Dreaming Soul
Your vivid imagination takes you away from this world
So much so that you tend to live in your head most of the time.
You have great dreams and ambitions that could be the envy of all...
But for you, following through with your dreams is a bit difficult.
You are charming, endearing, and people tend to love you.
Forgiving and tolerant, you see the world through rose colored glasses.
Underneath it all, you are brimming with passion that you keep hidden.
Always hopeful, you tend to expect positive outcomes in your life.
Souls you are most compatible with: Newborn Soul, Prophet Soul, and Traveler Soul
And, it's always good to check the Aura every once in a while...
Your Aura is Blue
Spiritual and calm, you tend to live a quiet but enriching life.
You are very giving of yourself. And it's hard for you to let go of relationships.
The purpose of your life: showing love to other people
Famous blues include: Angelina Jolie, the Dali Lama, Oprah
Careers for you to try: Psychic, Peace Corps Volunteer, Counselor
Still Blue! Amazing. That's right, bitches...me and the Dali Lama...
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
We call this story...You Gotta Be Doin' A Better Job
We'll hop in the Way-Back Machine and go all the way back to the Late 1980's. Back when I was working at a Top 40 radio station. Back when John Mellencamp's Lonesome Jubilee came out, and I listened to it relentlessly.
But, because I worked in radio, I wasn't given the option of an uncomplicated Go See Mellencamp kind of evening.
No....oh no. Not that...
Because I worked in radio, I was asked to escort about 40 listeners to Go See Mellencamp. I would say that it was a glorified babysitter kind of responsibility, but its actually more like a Cruise Director thing. Everyone is half drunk (or, all the way drunk), and basically you just have to make sure that they get there, that they don't die or kill anyone while they are at the concert (arrested? You're on your own), and then make sure that they get back. Meanwhile, I had to act like I was Somebody because those 40 drunk people were promised that Somebody was going to host that party. Yeah, yeah...I can fake if for a few hours.
It wasn't as blisteringly painful as having to escort a fan backstage to meet anybody, so, OK, I'll do it!
Besides....I REEEEEAAAALLY wanted to see Mellencamp. Really-really. I probably would have endured a lot more than Cruise Directorship to get my ass in the door that night. Wrangling 40 people was no big deal.
We met up to load the bus, and all my little charges were accounted for. We counted every breathing body on that bus 6 or 7 times. Then we counted the concert tickets, 10-12 times. 40 people. 40 tickets. 40 people. 40 tickets. Got it. Good. We're off!
The drive itself was actually a lot of fun. In addition to the listeners, my best friend was on the bus with me, and if you're going to hang out in a crowd, I must recommend, once again, taking Barb with you, cuz the girl has ice-breaking down to a science. I mean, I'm no slouch, but, she's got it DOWN. In addition to Barb, we were joined by a rep from the company who sold the radio station the tickets and arranged the bus for the night. I don't remember his name, but for the sake of calling him something, we'll say it was "Chuck". He was a pretty cool guy, and between Barb, Chuck and me, the whole group was laughing and talking for the entire trip.
Since I personally counted every body and every ticket 50 or 60 times and earned the title "Total Freak About The Tickets", I felt confident that when we arrived at the venue, all we had to do was put one ticket in each person's hand as they exited the bus, and they would all enjoy an incredible show and hopefully they would stay out of my hair for the rest of the night.
Hmmm....how could that have possibly gone wrong?
We arrived, and Chuck handed me the envelope with the tickets, then took off to check on something, so, I once again, counted people, and counted tickets.
Only now, its wasn't 40 People, 40 Tickets.
Now it was 40 people, 38 tickets.
Uh....What? I got the sinking feeling that I had just escorted 40 people on a stupid bus ride for nothing, because Cruise Directors get their tickets AFTER everybody else has theirs, so, if there were tickets missing, I would be the one not attending. Clearly unacceptable! Hey, its hard work pretending you're Somebody for three solid hours! A girl needs her reward!
We went looking for our man, Chuck.
When we found him, he was in the middle of negotiating with some nice people on the sidewalk, a very substantial price for two 10th row Mellencamp tickets.
Ahem....What The Fuck, Chuck?
Confronted, he claimed that the tickets he was selling were "extra" tickets, and that we had all the tickets we would ever need, right there in our little envelope. We didn't, but, I suppose Chuck figured that explanation was worth a try.
"You know...you guys gotta be doin' a better job! You gotta PAY ATTENTION to this shit!"
He proceeded to tell us how his swiping tickets and trying to sell them was all our fault, and we should have known better and we should have kept a better eye on him. He took it upon himself to scold us for losing track of the tickets that he stole!
"You gotta be doin' a better job!"
Burning dinner? "You gotta be doin' a better job!"
Some dumb co-worker being a total jerk? Well, then YOU gotta be doin' a better job!
As you can see, the possibilities are endless.
By the way? Amaaaaaaaazing Show! Well worth the stupidity....
Keepsake plate honoring the 44th president. People still collect plates?
Worried that tiny size will get you down? Wait…are we still talking about keepsake plates?
If there will be only girls around, will you be ready? That depends on what those girls are looking for in a girl….
Add more spice into your bedroom life. For some reason, cumin comes to mind…What?
Only here you can find solution to all your male troubles. Oh, honey…most of my male troubles can only be solved with an anvil dropped on their head. Do you sell anvils?
The best kind of natural high. Colorado Rocky Mountain Hiiiiiiigh…..really, I should be skiing. Perhaps if I clear my head on the slopes for a couple of days, I can come up with some new material and stop having to play the Spam Game.
High definition sunglasses that fit over your prescription glasses. Because NOTHING, and I mean NOTHING is hotter than a geeky chick wearing glasses OVER her glasses!
Try and believe in itself. Ok, that just confusing. Are we speaking in the first person? Or third? What is this, a Dylan lyric?
Wow..Mens Love This. If the "this" in question is anything other than control of the television remote, then this is probably a lie.
Do the favour to the woman! Yes! Give us the damn remote!
Wanna get a larger boner? *sigh* Any port in a storm, baby…any port in a storm.