I feel a little psychotic. Luckily, I have the internet, where lots of crazy people post crazy things, and when I read them I feel better about myself. Perhaps YOU will feel better about yourself after reading this!
The people who told me I needed a vacation were so right! Just. Stressed. Out. At work, and personally, just a giant stress bomb.
Two weeks ago Monday started off with TWO job interviews, and those always make one hopeful, and maybe "wishful" as well. Then I had another one on Friday. (They were all for the same job, by the way...) By the time it rolled around to the Monday of the following week, I was a consumed with the "hopeful" and "wishful" thing, and as they days ticked by, my current job seemed utterly annoying, which it really hadn't been up until then.
Thursday afternoon, as I was just about to shut down my computer at the end of another edgy day, I got a call, and, got the job, and...that was weird. I mean, I've been wanting this, and have been talking to people about this particular job since....Hmmm....late April? So a good six months of "Pick me!" finally ended, and they did pick me. All of my friends were saying, "Wow! That's so exciting! Aren't you excited?" and, I was thinking about how I was excited six months ago, and about how now I'm just sort of exhausted. I didn't think "Yay me!" so much as I just figured that all of the other candidates must have jumped off a bridge or been attacked by mountain lions or something. It wasn't even a relief.
I couldn't imagine what I'd be like if somebody asked me out on a date while I'm in this frame of mind......"What? Are all the cool, pretty girls busy?"
Not the best place to be, but, after having had so many things NOT go the way I wanted them to go, when I wanted them to, the spoiled brat in me is pouty.
While I would NOT pick me to solve the economic crisis or perform brain surgery, I am good at some things. This I know. But another thing I'm really, really bad at, is convincing other people to "Pick Me!" if it is not something immediately apparent to them. It's always been easy, before, for me to just be myself and get lucky. I mean, I couldn't sell myself, even to someone who walked right up to me and declared that they had been searching the world for someone just like me. On the one hand, I don't think I should have to, and on the other hand, I don't think I should have to.
So, you see the problem. Stubborn. Spoiled. All that.
Besides, I have never wanted anything so badly that I would compromise myself to any huge degree to get it or to hold onto it once I had it, and this includes all things--jobs, men, material possessions--you name it. So after six months of "Not you, Shelly!", I can assure you that I have said "screw this" more than just a few times, while simultaneously lamenting my complete and utter inability to convince them that I was worth it. I told myself and my friends "this isn't going to happen" and attempted to remove myself from any feelings about it whatsoever. Classic "Defend the Heart" defensive maneuver--I've got a million of 'em.
I was unsuccessful at having no feelings about it, by the way. After all, it's only my entire self-worth on the line, for every stupid thing I decide I Must. Have. No big. Not dramatic at all. No soul-crushing disappointment after every "no" and no months spent questioning everything about myself after every non-answer. Not me...I'm not like that at all. ((eye roll))
Ultimately, I've been doing this for much longer than six months about all kinds of things, this just happens to be the most recent. I'm not entirely sure how to proceed, other than just show up, I guess, and try to put that whole idea of me being their absolute last resort out of my mind. Perhaps I will pleasantly surprise them, and after a few months they won't be thinking what a shame it is that the other candidate, the one they really wanted, hadn't died tragically.
***I probably should have even posted this until I was actually sitting in a chair a said "new job" for a year or more. Just watch, they'll be some mix-up at the pre-employment drug screening, or they'll discover some ties to the Russian Mob in the background check....DAMN IT!