Friday, June 19, 2009

Definition of Madness

Some people like to have things be the same, feel the same, and stay the same because it brings them comfort.  I say, that's not "comfort", that's denial.  Like, for example, staying with the same partner who treats you like shit, for no other reason that you've been together for a long time, and being alone scares you.  That's not comfort.  (And, for the record, I'm not talking about myself there...).
You may have noticed, I'm not one of those people.  I find no comfort in "same as it ever was", I only take satisfaction in "this is so much BETTER than that other thing!"  Onward and Upward.
This last year has taught me an awful lot, but the greatest lesson was quite unexpected.  Some things, I didn't think I needed help with--compared to most people, I have a rather ridiculously high level of self-confidence.  I also have a fairly low level of patience.  Taking those factors into consideration, I tend to be an "action" person, and, if you had to come up with a "motto" for me, it would sound something like, "Of course I can, don't be stupid..."
Because of the "action" person thing, I almost always get what I want.  I don't actually want a lot of things, because I'm generally very happy with whatever I have at any given moment, but on those occasions when I want something, and really want it?  I'll move my considerable energy in that direction, and it usually ends up paying off. 
Of course I can, don't be stupid...It's easy, something.
But 2009 has been weird.  Much of this year so far has been spent banging my head against a wall, trying to topple a mountain with a rock hammer (which, actually, was never a problem before), getting NOTHING but frustration and spending a LOT of time wondering what the hell was wrong with me.  I's supposed to be easy!  Right?  Soooo...why the 10,000 rejections and the weird medical conditions (and the $3000 medical bill that came with it)?  Seriously...what the fuck?  I, Shelly Payne, never get sick, and, I just don't have these problems.  Period.  Except...I do.  
Thomas Edison said, "I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work," referring, of course, to his efforts to invent the light bulb.  The light bulb ended up being a very big deal, so, taking that into consideration, I have to believe that there is some kind of very big deal on the horizon in my life.  Or, at least that is how I choose to look at it.
He also said, "There are no rules, here--we're trying to accomplish something."  And that has also been true for me, pretty much my entire life.  I do mostly what I want--don't worry about "rules", and, as a result, I accomplish a lot.  Only 2009, with all of it's incredible frustration, begs the question: "So, what, exactly, is it that you are trying to accomplish?"  I have to ask, because, I've been whacking away at the same "problems" for a while now, and it doesn't seem like this is supposed to be where I am directing my energy.  Nothing is happening.  Not the desired result.  No change of any kind.  It's been so weird.  "Crazy-making," is what I call it, and I catch myself doing some really bizarro stuff, like, the first actions didn't work, so, what better to do than compulsively repeat them?  Yes!  Of course!  It makes perfect sense!
Clearly, that's just nuts.
And I feel like I've been losing my marbles for the last several months.  So, what happened in order to make me finally pull the reins on myself?  The weirdest friends threatened to find me a "suitable man".
Now...I don't happen to be actively looking for a man, and I haven't been dating, nor have I been complaining about the lack of dates or anything like that.  Ultimately, my friends were just giving me crap, but for some reason, the idea of going on some lame date with some dude that my well-meaning friends picked out was the worst possible thing I could imagine.  Dear God, NO!  NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
My friends have been there through a lot of stupid 'man' stuff in my life, and, a lot of other, random, "oh my gawd, this is soooo stupid" stuff in my life, as well...some more than others.  Lame Jobs A, B, C, and D, Cheating Guy X, Drunken Idiot Y, Gambling Guy, Hot Sexy Guy Who Thought He Had No Bad Habits And Therefore Harshly Judged All Of Mine, and of course, Guy Who, Oh Hell There Was So Much Stuff I Don't Even Know Where To Start, just to name a get the picture.  They've been there, my friends.  They've heard all the stories.  And, all of those stories are true.  I really, really did put a lot of effort into a lot of things that ended up being bad for me, or, if not bad, just not good. 
Oh, these things WERE what I wanted, and I went out and got them--with much enthusiasm and vigor!  And, I liked them!  And worked very hard to make them fulfilling situations.  Jobs, friendships, boyfriends, husbands, etc.  But ultimately, they left me unsatisfied, and spinning my wheels.  It wasn't as if they were "bad" or that I walked away mad, thinking they didn't deserve me, or anything like that.  It was just that they did nothing to feed my soul.  (OK, a couple of them actually tried to EAT my soul, but, that's a whole other thing, which I might talk about later.  Maybe.)  It was like eating a lot of fast food....McJob, McBoyfriend...blah, blah, blah.  Helps stave off the hunger, but ultimately, you can do better.  Worse, was that I was so convinced of my ultimate power that I thought that I could make McJob or McBoyfriend something substantial, drag them, kicking and screaming, into some kind of enlightenment and move us both in the direction of our AMAZING potential!
...That's what you get for having "healthy" self-confidence.  (Sounds so much better than the reality that I'm just  totally cocky.)
Let me just say right now, that thanks to my friends questioning my taste (!!!), I'm currently wrapping my head around the possibility that I don't have the skill to find those things--you know the ones?  The AMAZING guy, practically perfect for me, who, against all odds, actually likes me back?  (I trust that he does exist...somewhere...) Or the work that's so much fun it's almost criminal that they pay you all that crazy money, just for hanging out?  I have pictures of these things in my head, and it FEELS like I know them, and up until now, I was under the impression that they could be ANY of the vast number of situations presented to me.  I credit everyone and every situation with unlimited potential, and I SCOFF at my friends for implying that any of those things were in any way beneath me!
But...some people just aren't as ambitious as me.  They don't look at things the same way I do, aren't excited about the same things, and maybe they don't want to succeed like crazy or be retardedly happy all the time, like I do.  Problem is, sometimes, those people are my boss.  Sometimes, they're my date.  Doesn't make them bad people, just means that I shouldn't rely on them to run, when they'd really rather just lay back and do as little as possible.  "Unfortunate" by my standards, but not by most people's.
My friend's idle threats to fix me up made me wonder what the hell kind of man material they would come up with, for surely they would eliminate all of the very interesting potential disasters that I love so dear, right out of the gate, mostly so they don't have to pick my ass up off the pavement somewhere down the road.  I say, where's the fun in that?  So what if it might be a disaster?  Might be fantastic, too--you never know. 
At the same time, I know exactly where they are coming from, and they're not wrong.  For them, I promise I'm going to stop doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different boyfriend.

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