Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Just Because We Never Talk, It Doesn't Mean I Don't Love You

This is not going to be a post about how I never write anymore.
"Anymore".....seriously.  Its been a whole couple of days.  I'm not sure why I'm feeling so much guilt!  You probably didn't even notice I didn't feel like writing...
Its just another thing that I think about, waaaaay too much.  Not that I want to stop thinking about it...
There was some online chit-chat recently about What Motivates You and reaching your goals, and the author was a fan of sharing goals, meaning, for example, if you want to quit smoking, tell EVERYONE that you want to quit smoking, give them your "start date", and ask them to remind you, on those days when you could really use a cigarette, that you are quitting and that you can't have one.
I could not disagree with this more vehemently.
I mean...if I feel like quitting because I think it is time and I think I have reached the point in my life where I can handle it and maybe I don't want to smoke anymore, I have reached that conclusion not because I've had the surgeon generals warning knocked into my head 50 or 60 million times, but because, I just feel like it, and, its MY decision, not someone else's.  In fact, knowing myself the way I do, I can all but guarantee that the very FIRST time anyone "reminds" me that I am quitting, my reaction will be quite predictable:
I would say something like, "YOU can't tell ME what to do!  If I FEEL like it, I'm gonna do it!"  This statement would be followed by me either bumming a smoke from a co-worker or just going to the corner store to buy a pack.
Because I am stubborn like that.
By the way?  Not quitting.  Yet.
Goals are extremely personal things.  There are things that I want to do in my life that I haven't (and won't) share, even with my best friend.  I subscribe to the Keep Your Goals Away From The Trolls theory.  First, let me make it perfectly clear that I do not, in any way, consider my best friend a troll, its just that we are different people.    What she wants in life is not necessarily what I want for myself, so, she's not going to "get it" if one day I announce that I would like to, I dunno, quit my dumb job at the insurance company and apply for a job working for Mr. Grass.  Or, decide that I want to spend my life standing on the street corner selling umbrellas, but only on sunny days.  Whatever.  Barb's a more security-minded person than I am.  She'd say, "Why would you leave a perfectly good job?"  And she's not wrong--most people would feel the same. 
But, I'm not most people.  In most situations, I'm figuring, "What's the worst that could happen?"  or, "It sounds interesting and it probably won't kill me."
To have a well-meaning friend, who is just concerned about my safety and security could potentially be the worst "allie" you could have.  Its not that they don't love you--in fact, it may be BECAUSE they love you that they will be of no help to you whatsoever.
Nobody, especially your friends, want to see you going through something that is difficult and challenging.  My best friend, for example, was mute on the whole issue of my leaving my husband.  Yes, there were some things that were happening that she knew about that she understood to be bad, but, unlike others, she never, ever said, "You should leave.  Also, I never asked her "Should I leave?"  Not once.  She knew it would be difficult, not to mention emotionally and literally expensive, and she couldn't imagine going through it.  For my part, I knew that if I asked her, she'd tell me not to do it, so, I simply did not ask.  When I got to Minnesota, she gave me a hug and said she was glad to see me.  That was enough.
I "don't ask" a lot.  With all of my closest friends.  I may announce to them, "Oh, by the way, I'm doing (insert thing) now" but that's long after the decision-making process is over and there's not a damn thing they can do about it.  I find it better to apologize later than to ask permission now.
Sharing goals with your friends implies that you ARE asking their permission, and you are seeking their approval.  Well....sorry peeps...approval, I don't need.  Not from some other person, anyway, unless, they are an extremely FABULOUS  person and I am so dazzled by their very being that I'm flat-out copying them.  Wait.  Never mind.  Those people don't exist.
Anyway...I am working on a few things, my brain is engaged in something else, and I just wanted to say that just because I'm not talking to you doesn't mean I don't love you.  It means I don't RESPECT you.  Hahahahaha....just kidding.  Actually, it just means I'm working on a few things, and when they are done being worked on, I may share.  I'm fairly certain that I won't need to apologize.


  1. oooh the mysterious "Things"
    I have "Things" too! Hopefully yours aren't as sucky as mine.

  2. I know how that goes...a brain can only do so many things at once. Good luck as you puzzle things out.


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