Saturday, January 10, 2009



I don't know about you, but I feel so much better today.

Of course, one could say that it doesn't take much to feel better than you did when you were sobbing on the bathroom floor for half the night.  I warned you this would happen. 

The brain can only handle so much, and I was definitely over-loaded, for too long.  Too much "I have to work extra hard to be good enough" stuff to think about.

Today, with renewed perspective, I advise that the line to kiss my ass will be forming to the right, and, anybody who has been less than overtly adoring for the last several years can go stand in it, and wait for me to get back to you.

Behold the power of a good cry.  Exorcises the "I'm not good enough"s right out the eyeballs.

You stop saying, "whatever you need" and start saying "And, what the f*ck have you done for ME that makes me want to do a damn thing for you?"

Don't does mellow after a while.

I can say that with complete confidence because, well, I know this girl.  I know how I get.  I act like nothing is wrong for months and months, it suddenly dawns on me that I'm extremely alone, I spend one 12 hour period really, really wallowing, then wake up the next day saying, "Thank G*d I'm alone, cuz I'm about to kill somebody, and it sure as HELL isn't going to be me..."

And...then I do that for a while.

Only maybe this time, I'll just keep doing that.  I mean...I'm 42 now, and, I think I can say "done" to the days of compromise in an effort to not be alone.  I've earned an awful lot of stripes, and, I'm perfectly OK with realizing my mortality at this age.  I allow myself to accept that it might all end tomorrow, and, if it does, I don't want my last thought to be how I wish I had been less of a doormat and wondering if the dumb-ass was worth it.  He's not.

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