Tuesday, September 22, 2009

The Year of Constant Resign

I wrote most of this yesterday, when I was feeling all emotional and weepy.  I thought, today, I would nuke it, but it's not as depressing as I thought it was, so, here you go... :-)
I feel like I should be writing today, but it is only a thing I'm doing for comfort or relief from feeling completely whacked out.  There are a few major life things happening right now that could either be great, or go "badly" and end up depressing the living hell out of me.
No stress there.  I wish I could fast forward through time and get past the waiting, to see the results.  I'd like to get to about mid-February--or better yet, if we could just move time all the way up to my next birthday, that would be cool.
I used to be able to predict these things with a fair amount of accuracy, mainly because I had a ridiculous amount of confidence, and as a result, got my way a lot.  Er...pretty much always.  As it stands now, I wake up every other day wondering why I even bother--not that I'm feeling depressed or sorry for myself, because I still have that stupid, insanely high confidence level.  I realize that I need certain people to do certain things in order for my life to go the way I want it to go right now, and, I might not have done enough to make them want to.  Also, I don't know how to do more.
If I had one major vulnerability as a member of society, it would be that I am completely incapable of kissing anyone's ass with any amount of sincerity.  That is to say, if I say something nice about you, compliment or support you, it's because I actually mean it, and I think you're worth it, not because I'm thinking of future gains for myself.  Also, if praising you requires me to demean myself in any way, guess what?  Not happening.  I'm perfectly capable of paying you a compliment, but I'm not going to say something nice just because I think my saying something nice will make you think better of me.  Ultimately, I don't care what you think of me. 
Until I do.
The Monday Melancholy taps straight into that "why doesn't anybody like me?" thing from Junior High.  I'd like to think that because I was "different" from a lot of people back then that it was strictly a maturity thing--hardly any 13-year-olds have the the time-acquired grace to accept someone different from them.
Funny thing is, not too many 40-year-olds do, either.  Huh.  Didn't see that coming.  OK, actually, I did.  When I was 13, I predicted that the only way I would be accepted was to do big things--"big" being open for discussion, because "big" is different for each individual person.  To my mind, it's just about striving to be the very best, at whatever you happen to do.
Here is the one and only time I will ever quote Jesus on this blog:  "If someone speaks ill of you, live so that they cannot."  That is where I am coming from.  That's my entire motivation.
Since my youth, I've poured an awful lot of energy into working harder, and giving things more thought than other people might.  I'm reminded of an example...I was working in radio, and because my brother was getting married, I had to use a few vacation days.  I didn't, and still don't, like using vacation days.  I prefer to work.  For the poor part-time jock who was filling in for me, I left a list--two pages, typed, single-spaced--of all of the things I did during every show that I thought were absolutely crucial to maintaining a certain level of quality.  They were things I noticed because I was paying attention, all the time, to how things could be better.  My expectation of myself was, and remains, decidedly high. I wanted to leave nothing to chance, hence the detailed instruction. This poor man, a lovely person who wouldn't harm a fly, looked at my list with a combination of fear and disbelief.  He'd been in radio for as long as I had, and probably thought us peers.  I, on the other hand, knew damn well that my drive to do more than most was the reason I had a regular slot with good ratings, and he was just a part-timer.  As it happens, he was never promoted during the time I worked there.  As it happens, I got job offers every other month or so.
20 years later, I still pour as much effort into my work, and also into the rest of my life.  If I went on vacation tomorrow, I would leave the same kind of list for whoever got stuck handling my work-load.  I'd probably leave a similar list for the person who would be feeding my cats in my absence.  I care about how things are done.  I sign my name to my work.  What's in it for me?  Not a damn thing, really, except satisfaction that comes from helping people stop assuming things, be it about me personally, or about my gender, race, job title, or whatever.  If someone speaks ill of you, live so that they cannot.  All negative things, spoken or written by me, or you, or anybody else, are just lies and assumptions, anyway--easily proven wrong by simply being, or doing, the opposite of what is expected.  Duh.  It's not rocket science.  (This is why it makes me absolutely NUTS when people live up to a negative stereo-type...)
OK, I lied.  There are rewards that go along with living this kind of life--really fantastic and interesting people congregate, mainly because they are "different" too--they felt the same way you did about life, with they were 13.  They're motivated.  They are willing to give it more thought, and as such, they are also inspiring.  The energy created when these kinds of people get together is incredible, and invariably creates something really amazing--might be a love affair, might be a best-seller, or it might be a lifetime of real happiness.  Could be anything, but it will definitely be good.
The last several months have been especially difficult, and I'm not just referring to my personal "things" going on, but also the climate in general.  It's been a weird world of hatred, politically.  Personally, it just feels like a drought.  It may be the combination of the two things that spurs my "why bother?" mornings.  I feel like I've been at it for a long time, and, so far, no reward.  I think things are changing, though.  Slowly changing.
When the rain came yesterday (the actual rain, here in Minneapolis) I thought, "How symbolic."  There wasn't much of it, but, it seemed hopeful.  A little more today, and maybe more later.  The things that could go "great" or "badly", will work themselves out in this way as well, I think--a little at a time.  I'm definitely not used to things being this slow, and don't like it much, being an all or nothing kind of person with zero patience.  I tend to force an issue more than not. 
Whoops!  Another lesson.  Why do I never see these coming?  You'd think, after the year I've had, that I would. 
But this one feels a little like passing all but one subject and still being forced to take all of Third Grade over again.  Fine...if that's what it takes...I give up.  Again.  The difference now is, every time I "give up", I feel less and less like the petulant child who didn't get her way.  I pout less.  I feel sorry for myself less.  That's progress, right?


  1. I like how the rain is a good thing in yr life.....mine too, I think.

    And, yes, there is a climate. And, yes, it is changing. In. Credibly. Slowly. (but perceptibly.)

  2. Damn, girl. As Zoofy said, there are so many things to like in this that I don't know quite where to start. But hell yes, it has been a weird world out there lately. And I sure hope there is a change coming - a change for the better. I'm getting really tired of how nasty people are.

    What happened to common decency?

    A lot to ponder in this one. Thanks for putting it out there.

  3. I continue to be startled by people's capacity to be nasty, or just thoughtless. Compassion, anyone? It's like if we're not either degrading someone, or defending ourselves from said degrading, we have virtually nothing to say to each other anymore. The examples are broad, but I think at the core of them, they all start with the same thing, which is a person's disinterest in understanding "why" another person's opinion differs from yours, or "why" a situation isn't to your liking. You can't solve a problem without this investigation. If we took the time to understand, rather than attack someone for feeling differently, this would be a different world.

    I'm having a strange time at work this week--I am currently temping, and really, REALLY don't want to be temping. I've been actively looking for work and busting my ass at my job in hopes that the work I do here will be recognized enough that someone will think that I would be a good employee. Meanwhile, the people who DO have full-time jobs here are being remarkably ignorant and unfeeling about my situation. They take off for happy hours early in the day, or take 2 hour lunches, and they do invite me, but, unlike them, I'd have to put that on my time card, and miss work hours and pay. Never mind the fact that I am the sole breadwinner in my household, AND I'm insanely busy and need every minute of work time to get things done. This has actually become a point of contention with them--they say that I will never GET a full-time job here because I don't socialize with them on their little outings. Well...unlike me, they all HAVE jobs. They can take long lunches and days off without it costing them money. (I won't say a word about the piles of undone work they have laying around which I find wildly unacceptable. OK, I said it. Oops...). Things like that, that are small on the global scale, are just one of a million examples of people dishing out hurt, simply by failing to THINK. It's so simple...why does it have to be so hard?

    And so....I really, really hope I get this job that I interviewed for! lol Because at this point, the coolest "punishment" would be knowing that, after I walk out the door, there is going to be a panic around here because they haven't considered just HOW MUCH I get done in a day by working hard instead of hitting happy hour. And I've had that experience at EVERY job I have every left. With zero exceptions, every time I have left a job, for whatever reason, within a year, that employer calls me and asks me to come back! HA! They can't find anyone who does as much as I do, and they regret taking me for granted. And....I have had that same experience with boyfriends and husbands, by the way... :-)

    Someday, and hopefully soon, I will find myself in a situation in which my little dumb way of doing things is truly appreciated, and I think that the lessons of this year have all pointed to me learning how to NOT "settle". Don't move in with some guy because you're afraid nobody else will ever ask, or don't keep banging your head against the wall at work. What I am learning is the patience required to hold out for the best situation for ME. I already know that I'M a pretty damn good employee, and a pretty damn good girlfriend...LOL


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