Friday, February 26, 2010

My "Woo-Hoo!" Has Been Replaced By A "Yeah, but..."

Life has been fairly weird for me this last month or so--The fact that I haven't been talking much about anything other than knitting lately should be a good indicator that A) I'm at a loss B) I feel like my talking about this stuff won't help, and actually might make it worse and C) I can't imagine you guys would be all that interested in my downer crapola.  I personally don't like reading about other people's "Woe is me" stuff, and am uncertain that I can present it in a manner that is entertaining enough to get past my own personal expectations.
Having a "quiet time" goes against my first instinct to call upon the masses, voice my issue and ask, "Am I right?  Or am I just nuts?"  Just looking for my own little truth, here.  I believe, to the core of my very soul, in transparency, meaning, I'm not trying to pull the wool over anyone's eyes, not trying to con anyone into feeling a certain way or not feeling a certain way, not trying to get away with anything.  I just am.  I invite opinion.  I also have opinions, but I don't hold on to them with any voracious ferocity.  If I'm wrong, I'm wrong.  I'm not afraid of being wrong--I don't take it personally.  Being wrong about something just means that you have to change your path, or change your way of thinking, about that one thing.  Not a big deal. 
For the most part, I am an agenda-less observer who would ultimately rather go with the flow and see what happens than try to manipulate a situation.  Human behavior is entertaining to me.  Virtually nothing I could make up in my head would be as fun to watch as the frantic drama perpetrated by people with insecurities and agendas.  Having said that, I will add that I am as kind as I can possibly be, and, in almost any situation, I'm for the little guy, even when the "little guy" isn't actually "little" (ie, John Mayer, Kevin Smith, etc....).  I truly don't give a rats ass about impossible odds because I'm never gambling anything I can't afford to lose, and also, I feel infinitely better about myself when I'm standing up next to somebody that nobody is standing up for.  I seem to gravitate toward those kinds of conflicts in which someone is being picked on unjustly.  Might be a personality flaw....I'm certainly no Mother Theresa.
Anyway....what has been happening lately is that I feel like I totally lost my voice.  Like, I have something to LOSE by saying anything about anything that isn't safe.  My "Wooo-Hooo!" has been replaced by a "yeah, but..."  My confidence, my ability to know what the right thing is and do it, feels lost.  I'm falling back on safety, talking about knitting. 
What the hell?
Today, I recognize exactly where that comes from.  I recognize why I can't wrap my head around things, much less speak about them in my usual way--it's because the things that happened to me in my life have been...well....dumb, and ugly--that some people's agenda's are less than above board, and that people I enjoyed, admired, and loved, ultimately just took advantage of my good nature.  They did things that I would never think to do to somebody else, and, for that reason, I truly, truly do not understand.  At all.  It's like a whole different language.  No wonder I question myself.
This post, from my friend in Duluth went a long way in helping me make sense of it in my head...she talks about naming names--I refer to it as calling a spade a spade.  When it is in your nature to be nice, to support an underdog, or whatever, it's so easy to get caught up supporting someone who paints themselves an underdog in an effort to get you to be there for them.  It's a very, very effective thing that they do.  But they're not an underdog....they just play one for their gain.
Albert Einstein said, "We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them".  Being hopeful, helpful, optimistic, energetic, positive and forgiving--being a good person--is what created the problem for me, with a couple of people in my life.  Maintaining that level of "nice" is certainly not going to solve my issues with them.  It's also not going to solve their problems for them.
So anyway....sorry for the boring upon boring-ness around here.  I would talk specifics if I thought it would help, but, like I said, it would just sound like me whining, and ultimately, that gets old, so fast.  Person A was a bitch, Person B was a jerk, Person C was a creepy cheater....yeah, yeah, yeah...who cares?  The unfortunate thing is that it makes you want to never give anyone the benefit of the doubt, or never give anyone a chance, ever again.  That's the real tragedy...

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