Monday, February 22, 2010


This morning, I was talking to a friend of mine about our weekends, and here was my Ah-Ha! Moment Statement of the entire conversation--perhaps of my entire existence: 
"I wish I could find someone who actually liked me before I left them."
Jeezuzmarynjosef.....What the hell IS that?
Is that some kind of lame-ass, feel sorry for yourself crap, or what?
I try not to be one of those chronic complainer types.  When things are going wrong, I'm not first to say, "So-And-So is screwing things up!"  More likely, I think, "Am I screwing this up?"
In other words, I am the perfect companion for someone who likes to blame other people for their issues, and especially those who like to make a big deal out of everything--it's incredibly convenient to have me around so they can lay it all on the person who is already willing to accept responsibility.
Perfect for them.  Not such a great situation for me.  Oh, I live with it, and it doesn't even really bother me most of the time, but ultimately, it's not good for my soul.  I don't have an objection to taking one for the team, I only have problems when I occasionally wake up and notice that I'm the only one ON the team who's taking one for the team.  Ever.  Not that this is anyone's fault but my own--I attach a certain level of importance to relationships, and I'm willing to do just about whatever it takes to make that thing work out. 
Then, because I am Pollyanna, I want so very, very much for the other person to be just as enthusiastic and optimistically energetic about things as I am. 
Guess what?  Not so much.
Anyway, that's the short version of the long and drawn-out process by which one person in a relationship (me) gets taken for granted.  Again, not saying there is any malicious intent, here, they just turn out that way for me, pretty much all the time.   
Then, when I assess what is happening, decide I don't want to do that anymore, and leave, the other person suddenly realizes OMG My Life Is WAY Different And Not As Easy Without Them!
I would like it noted that I have never once said, "I told you so."
Like any other situation, I'm willing to accept responsibility for my part of the screw up.  I'm willing to say, "Yes, I am a doormat, and that personality trait turns me into a Relationship Retard."  However, I have yet to date or marry, or even work for anyone who is willing to apologize for, or even acknowledge the fact that they took full advantage of my doormat-ness, and at the end of the day, that is the problem.  THAT is the thing that leads me to say, "I wish I could find someone who actually liked me before I left them."
At least a half-dozen (or more) times in my life, I have been approached with the question of "Will you return?", by former mates, or former employers.  I have not yet said "yes" to any of the offers.  No, I don't hate any of these people--it's not like that.  I'm not bitter.  But for me--someone who is extremely energetic and enthusiastic in my pursuits--it takes an awful lot for me to come to the decision to abandon something.  I have a rather dogged persistence.  By the time I walk away, at least in my head, all hope is lost.  To convince me otherwise is not some casual thing.  It's a huge deal--as big a deal as it was for me to give up on it.
I have yet to meet my match.  I have yet to be asked to reconsider by anyone who is as excited about the prospect of reconciliation as I was about the job or relationship the first time through.  Is it incredibly egotistical of me to want someone to kiss my ass a little, or show more enthusiasm?  I don't think so.  I mean...we're talking about mostly sales and promotion people here--people who sell ideas for a living...don't I warrant any of those tactics?  Because if you don't believe in it enough to sell it, why should I?
Perhaps it is a lame romantic notion to believe that someone will, or should be, excited about YOU and not just excited that they found some low maintenance relief from the shit of their lives.  Maybe the movies put that romance into our heads.  What should we expect?  What do we truly deserve?  I wish it was easy to say.  Are some of us simply doomed to be the "relief" for others, and get no "relief" of our own? 
I have a very hard time believing that's how the universe actually works.  Really?  Accept your role as someone who provides for others, and in return, here are your crumbs?
Nah....sounds like bullshit to me.
The problem is, no matter how hard I stick to that, if I wake up alone enough days in a row, eventually, I start to wonder:
"Am I screwing this up?"


  1. No answers on this one but just wanted to say I'm reading and thinking about you.

  2. :-)

    No worries...sometimes I need to feel pitiful for a day to remind myself why I have no reason to feel pitiful...


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