Just crossing fingers and hanging by the phone...I might be an auntie today, but maybe not. Here's hoping.
Wow....baby stuff. When I was of the age when having babies seemed to make the most sense, I was never even remotely excited about the possibility of getting pregnant or having kids. Even when I was married and pregnant, I spent a lot of time thinking, "Are we there yet?". It took a while for me to grow into the idea, and I very nearly completely screwed it up, but lucked into meeting a guy who kept me from ultimately ruining my children.
Funny what the universe sends you...
The truth is, parenting is not a thing you want to do alone, at any stage. So many things about our adult relationships seems so disposable--"that guy was a jerk, so I left", or, "My wife was insane, so I left". It's easy to do these things, and even when it is not all that easy, it's still easier than being a single parent. I say this with full awareness that I am the ultimate bad guy, having walked away from not one, but two marriages, each time with my two daughters in tow. Stupid. I mean, being afraid for them, as I was the second time, when we found ourselves living in a house with a teenage sex offender in the making, is a perfectly legitimate reason, and I have no regrets. It was the right thing to do, even if that were the only reason. As it happens, that was just the "wake up and be a parent" reason.
The truth is, and, I've said it before, these two young ladies saved my life--more than once. Or maybe, rather, saved my soul. I probably would have gone on living, doing the same stupid crap, awash in a sea of booze and god-only-knows what else, if I hadn't been given the job of bringing them up in the world. Let's face it...it is the toughest job ever, and a certain level of attention to detail is required in order to be successful. There are jobs in which it's a good idea to keep your head about you because you might lose a limb in a horrible accident with an auger or something--this is not like that. It's about thinking of all of the tools that you have, and the things you were taught, what worked and what didn't, and the things you wish you had known, and plugging all of that information into action that will hopefully keep someone else from losing a limb...in both a literal and figurative sense.
18+ years of "It's Not About You". What better remedy for an aggressively egocentric person like me? We interrupt this program to bring you...20 years of something else, entirely! Wooo!
Yeah, yeah...not everyone is built to withstand a pregnant pause like that one.
Do I think I could have done it better? Yeah. What parent doesn't? And I think that might be a big part of the baby lust that women start to feel when their kids are nearly grown--wow, if they could just do it one more time, how different it would be.
It is highly unlikely that I'll have any more children upon which to practice my developing parenting skills. At the same time, I'm not so sure I've earned my retirement, but, I'll take it when it comes. Bummer there are no gold watches, retirement parties or pensions to go with that, but those jobs are few and far between anyway, aren't they? "Job Well Done" acknowledgements only come much later, if they come at all, from anyone other than yourself or maybe the other parent. I suppose that's why nature has made it so it takes two humans to make a baby, so maybe during those times when you screw up, someone can swoop in and save your kid from losing a limb--literally or figuratively. Hopefully, even if you disagree about everything else, you can always agree that in matters of children, it truly isn't about either of you.
By my estimation, it is a lot more fun to wait for babies that I'm not giving birth to, so, I'll enjoy all things baby from a distance and hook up with the little Junior Mint later (can't BELIEVE that he had the audacity to not be born when I was there, visiting...Jeeez....babies...they're so self-involved!). Maybe later this week, I'll post a picture of Winston Churchill and tell you it's him. In the mean time, good thoughts, everybody! Good thoughts!