Thursday, December 31, 2009

Bring It

Usually, my New Year's resolutions involve me saying something like, "I'm not making any stupid resolutions!  Resolutions are dumb!" and then I pretend nothing about me needs improvement.
For the uninitiated, this is how it is when you're totally full of yourself.
This year, I'm not against resolutions so much, not because I'm not still full of myself, but because the last two years have changed pretty much everything about me that can be changed without surgery, or an exorcism, and I'm STILL full of myself.  I've come to the conclusion that changing something won't end this twisted, inordinately long streak of manic self-confidence, so, what the hell, right?
I mean, seriously....2009 just knocked me on my ass, and knocked me on my ass, and knocked me on my ass, and knocked me on my ass, and knocked me on my ass, and KNOCKED ME ON MY ASS.
All I did this year was pick myself up and brush myself off, just in time to fall on my ass again.
Truth is....I was sooooo gung-ho....not that I've ever really been afraid of poking sleeping dragons before, but I have definitely been operating as if I had something to prove, lately.  I literally got up and LEFT what had been a rather comfortable existence, because I had something to prove.  So sure was I of being right, that I changed my entire life.
Many times, I questioned myself, and decisions I made--so many times, I asked myself "What the hell have I done?" all because my life was so different last year than it was for the previous 10.  So much harder.  But after time in the trenches, I note with some amazement that none of the previous battles fought have killed my spirit thus far.  A million people and events screaming "You're WRONG, Shelly!" did not stop me from believing my own truth--that thing that I believed enough to change everything.  I still believe it.  God help me, I still do.  The difference now is that I am equipped with the knowledge that there's not a damn thing out there that I can't handle.  I mean, sure I got knocked on my ass a lot, but, I did keep getting up, didn't I?
A resolution for 2010 might not be an "action" thing.  In fact, it may be just the opposite.  2010 might just be the year in which I let those dragons sleep--they'll all find me soon enough on their own, without me bothering them anyway, right?  2010 will be a year of celebration of that fact that HolySh*t, I Am One Tough Broad, and with that acknowledgment, an absence of feeling the need to prove that to anyone, especially myself.  After all, I survived 2009....what else have you got?

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