Tuesday, December 15, 2009

I'm Sure There Must Be An Essay In All Those Questions

I would talk about blog neglect, but I don't want to be one of those people that starts every post by saying "Sorry I haven't written in a while", which is kind of how I used to start pretty much every handwritten letter I ever produced.
Anyway....I have some questions.  Ready?
The chick at the Jiffy Lube put a smiley face on the little sticker that tells me when I need the next oil change.  Was she hitting on me?  Cuz she seemed to be into me, a little.  Like, when telling me that ALL of the light bulbs on the back of my truck were burnt out (can't believe I was driving around like that...) and replacements would be 10 bucks apiece...I dunno...I got a vibe.  Just wondering.  File that under "If Only I Was Into Girls...".  She was cute, by the way, so if you're lookin', let me know and I'll email you the details.  If you're wealthy, you could just unscrew all the light bulbs on the back of your vehicle before you go in, pretend you had NO IDEA all those lights were out, and let her replace them for you, for 10 bucks apiece--apparently she finds being mechanically hapless charming.
Next question:  If the mechanically hapless act works so well on lesbian mechanics (sorry, making an assumption there, but I'm not saying she's a lesbian because she's a mechanic, I'm saying that because she was hitting on me with her little winky-wink smiley face thing.  It is equally likely that she's just a nice person who likes to make smiley faces and went home to her hot boyfriend, with whom she had a good laugh about the crazy lady with NO WORKING LIGHTS on the back of her car.) what secret, Helpless Female ploy can I use on the heterosexual male population?  Just curious, as the whole, Be Your Happy, Confident, Easy-Going Self bit is getting me nowhere.  I mean, clearly, I'm frightening, and not just in the looks department.  Lots of ugly chicks have dates, but those with dates appear to have the advantage of also being chronic nit-pickers who have guys, but do nothing except complain about them.  How am I supposed to compete with that?
And Another Question!
This morning, we left the house about 10 minutes later than we should have, and the 15-minute drive to the high school ran about 25-30 minutes and all I could think, for the entire drive, was how if my kid wasn't in the car, I'd be chain smoking and cursing at other drivers.  Instead, I remained relatively calm, and did not smoke.  The question is, who am I kidding?  Not that I would have smoked in the car with her in it, for that is an exceedingly rare occurrence, but...is there an age when we start to return to some level of pre-parent or non-parental behavior in front of people we have given birth to?  Or do I have to maintain my decorum and spew forth life lessons until I die?  Just curious.
Pregunta Final:  Wouldn't it be cool if the Magic Kitchen Fairy showed up and *Poof!* made it so you could see the sink?  Or the counter tops?  My kids keep asking me what I want for Christmas.  Really?  Am I that hard to figure out?  Do I not make an audible "OhJeeezusThisEffingKitchen!" noise every time I walk in there?  I realize that the clues are subtle, but they're smart kids....I figured they would have picked up on that by now...


  1. When you find the magic kitchen fairy send her to my house - because I need her, the magic laundry fairy, the magic bathroom fairy, the magic vacuum fairy, and someone to wash the windows...

  2. OK, I'll send her over, AFTER she's done with my place...

  3. ROFL. I learned something several years ago (I'd count backwards and figure out when my kid was a teen, but meh...). Kids don't do subtle. And believe me, "OhJeeezusThisEffingKitchen!" Is way too subtle for even the smartest of teens. LOL...

    Bahahahaha! But seriously? Beating them over the head with it doesn't work, either. I tried it all.

  4. I went direct! Yesterday, in the morning, I made it perfectly clear that "Clean Kitchen" would be the greatest thing, ever! I had voluteers! And I came home to find one kid sleeping on the couch, and the other sleeping in her room. ((eye roll))

  5. You know...there is the other route, no clean kitchen, no cell phones for a couple of weeks. I'm just sayin'...

  6. LOL True that. Mom got her wish, though...kitchen was clean, garbage taken out, litter box cleaned. Beautiful! Then the cats and I went and messed it all up again.

    (Jack's a good cook, but he makes a hell of a mess. And all he ever serves is tuna and salmon, which gets pretty boring after a while...)


Comments are loosely monitored by lazy blog owner.