Friday, January 15, 2010

If Life Were Perfect, I'd Be Eating Crackers Right Now (and a bunch of other random crap...)

Wednesday was a bit of a bust on the Randomy-ness, so we'll just call it Friday Fluff ala Cursing Mama.

I'm not as fluffy as Gabriel Inglesias. OK, actually it would take about three of me to be that fluffy. Oh, and also, that's not the kind of fluff I am aspiring to, today. Or ever. Love you, Gabriel!

Hmmm....if Gabriel had lap-band or lipo, or whatever, for health reasons, what the hell would he do with all of his 'fluffy" jokes? That's the kind of thing that keeps me up at night.

That and some of this other stuff...
  • I have given up. It was a long-fought battle, which I lost at every turn. Fine! Fine, my children, you win. For many years now, my daughters have insisted upon putting clothing on the cats. My fondest memory of this was walking into my kitchen one day after work and being greeted by a Siamese cat wearing a pair of shorts and a tank top. I have since educated them on the dangers of putting shorts or any kind of pants on an animal. Anyway! The entire time, all these years, I have scolded them, told them to stop torturing the cats, etc.--to no avail. When the Diva created her Link costume for Halloween, cats were fitted with coordinating Zelda gear. Christmas-time saw both boys wearing ill-fitting Santa suits. At some point, something clicked in my head that told me I was never gonna win this one anyway, and as such, I began securing measurements of both cats for custom-knit sweaters, to be hand made by me. All indicators show that I will eventually end up a Crazy Cat Lady, anyway, so, I might as well get started.
  • Help out, with care and with caution: If you wish to assist in the relief effort for Haiti, please beware of scumbags calling you at your house for this...don't give your credit card number to anyone, or anything else over the phone--the people who are calling you are what we call "Opportunists" and not the good kind. In the good news department, the Haiti text donation tally has surpassed the $5 million mark, so YAY US! Just text "HAITI" TO 90999 to donate $10 to the Red Cross. Other charities, such as Wyclef Jean's Yele, are also collecting mobile donations. To send $5, donors can text "Yele" to the number 501501. The William J. Clinton Foundation was accepting $10 per text from users sending the word "Haiti" to 20222. Texting will put that charge and any charges relating to the text on your next phone bill. Please also (and always) consider donating to Doctor's Without Borders.
  • Helloooooooo Colorado! You crazy archive-diver you! Every time I see someone picking through the archives on the blog, I run to my little mental filing cabinet to see if I can remember writing anything for which I could potentially get sued. I think we're good. Is it bad that I'm outing stalkers? Am I supposed to let them de-lurk on their own? Isn't it de-lurking week or something? And how lame am I for thinking, "Wow, I hope somebody reads all of this stuff" and then when they do (and they literally read ALL of it in one fell swoop--My GAWD! Seriously?), I get a little chest-clutching panic? Anyway....we're going to call that one a "Stalk By Association" because apparently it's not so much about what I know as it is about who they think I know. Let me tell you something: every day, thanks to fine, information-seeking folks like yourself, I develop a whole new appreciation for who you think I know... ;-)
  • Helloooooo Florida! OK, just kidding. I just happen to be talking to a lot of people in Florida today, for work, so I have a little Sunkist on the brain. I talk to all kinds of people, all over the country and always manage to resist the urge to ask them about the weather, because then they ask ME about the weather here. Most are confused by the fact that I live in Minnesota, yet don't really want to move to where they are.
  • This weekend, I shall be buried in projects. I'd like to give you updates, but they are not that exciting. You know...stuff like, the "Put Your Freaking Laundry Away" project, or the "OHMYGOD You Actually Cook In This Kitchen?" project. I do these dumb projects that I hate, solely that I might then do the projects that I love. You know...stuff like the, "Sit Here With This Remote In Your Hand And Drink This Very Strong Drink" project, or, the "Whatever You Do, Don't Drink, Or You'll Completely Mess Up This Project" project. Looking very much forward to both of those...


  1. Would those crackers be Wheat Thins? Because, as you are likely aware - Wheat Thins are like Crack. Possibly why they call them Crackers....
    I am totally on to something here.

  2. I did think specifically of Wheat Thins while writing that, yes!

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  4. Oh my. You forgot to shout out very far away?

    I don't think I'd leave Snowland either. I do like a coast, but WI has that whole chunk of lake MI......and I have proven I have low expectations.

    Tried the dog sweater for a friend on the kitten. She did not tolerate. And the big cat thought she was some sort of scary thing to get all puffy about. Pretty funny.

    That's why you have various levels of projects, Shel. From 'sitting on the couch holding' to 'bothersome but worth not drinking for'......

  5. Hellooooooo Wisconsin! Wooo-Hooo!

    Hey, don't forget the "other" coast, to the North. I'm kind of a Lake Superior fan, myself...

    I was one project-completing crazy person yesterday! Didn't have a drink all day, but I did indulge in my other favorite drug, a "House" marathon. One cat sweater, done, one baby blanket, done, baby socks, done, (now I have to mail those) and made some progress on some slippers. Oh, and I took the garbage out. Productive, right? Still didn't put all my friggin' clean clothes away, and they are threatening to take over the place...amazing how I can ignore piles of clothes sitting around until 6:00AM on a weekday, when I'm looking for clothes.


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