Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Concerned About Sin

My employer sends out lots of mail of the promotional variety.  Some of you might refer to it as "junk" mail.  We're just trying to help.  You need us.

Anyway, since a lot of promotional mailers go out with pre-paid reply envelopes (See?  Helping!) we get a lot of them back. 

Some people send them back, saying, "Hey!  That thing you're selling!  Love it!  I want me some of that!"  Of course, we love those people right back.

Some people send them back with a little note saying, "Thanks, but no thanks...take me off your mailing list."  I appreciate those people.  One less thing to mail, right?

Some people were taught that the best way to deal with junk mail that includes a postage paid envelope is to mess with the sender, because something in their sh*t-free day tells them that we should know better than to try to talk to them about anything they don't already know about.

Once, many years ago, I was watching the Oprah show, and they advised, on Oprah, that when you get "junk" mail with a postage paid return envelope that you should stuff that postage paid envelope with a bunch of crap you have sitting around the house (specifically other "junk" mail) and send it back.

After all, how dare they interrupt your sh*t-free day?

And if you stuff the envelope to capacity and send it back, the sender has to pay for it, and gosh, isn't that funny?  Won't that teach 'em?

Funny, yes. 

Doesn't teach us anything, though.  You'd think it would, but, alas, it does not.  Sales departments are notoriously thick...skinned.

Enjoying the contents of the pre-paid mailers that come back to my department is one of the highlights of my job.  Seriously!  This is some funny stuff!

Once, somebody sent back a picture of Al Franken with a caption about a lobotomy.  That was funny!  Way to go, bored-person-freaked-out-by-junk-mail!  Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha....OK, it's no longer funny.  But you had me for a second, there!

I got a copy of somebody's death certificate the other day.  They had been dead for a couple of years.  Nice mailing list.  Anyway, a simple, "He's dead" scribbled on the reply would have generated the appropriate action on my part--I'm a quick study--but the point was made.  Strongly.  So strongly, in fact, that If I could, I would take that person off of every mailing list, ever.  Alas, that is not my job.  I'm just some schmoh working for a company that sent the dead guy some stuff.  I mean, we're not bright enough to know where to buy mailing lists without dead people, what makes you think we can solve your junk mail problem?

Come to think of it, there are a fair amount of dead people on our mailing list.  Every once in a while, you get a note from a grieving widower--"My dear wife passed in February of 2007.  We raised four wonderful children.  I miss her every day.  I hope you rot in hell for sending this."

Or some variation thereof.

I got some of my favorite stuff today--soul-savin' stuff!  Lord knows I need it!  I got an envelope stuffed to the brim with pamphlets about how I needed God.  I'm not sure if the Jo-Ho's left these at the guy's house, or if I was really worried about my immortal soul, but the one that caught my eye was simply titled, "Concerned About Sin?"

Why, yes....yes I am. 

I'm concerned that there isn't nearly enough sin in my evening routine.  I'm just sayin'.  If you could please send booze and sex slaves, I'm sure I would have less to worry about.  Or, I'd be too busy having fun to be concerned.  Either/Or

If you are bothered by junk mail--perhaps you are one of the dead people on our mailing list--feel free to have your survivors make the necesarry arrangements to stop that mail from coming.  Here's an eHow about itYou can also go the Mail Preference Service method.  Or, one of my personal faves, 41pounds.org.

But I'll miss you.  You wacky, amusing, bored, paranoid freaks....I'll miss you...

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