I called my husband to ask him a question about some mundane thing (like, "What year was this car made? I can never remember...") and one of the first things he said to me (after answering the question) was how hard things were now that we weren't together anymore.
I didn't disagree. It is hard. It has been difficult. I miss my friend, which is very much what he was--a good friend.
But it was a guilt trip, pure and simple. He wanted me to feel bad, like he feels bad. Well, I felt bad for a long time--then I left, and now, I don't feel like it anymore. Screw feeling bad...I don't want to.
To snap myself out of it, I rationalized that he couldn't have been that good of a friend, considering I never felt like he "got" me and a lot of the time, I felt like he didn't care about me or my feelings, which is one of the main reasons I left in the first place. I mean...I think if you make your girl cry, often, you should say you're sorry, often. But that's just me.
But let's be honest: I don't think I actually know anybody who truly "gets" me, the way I would like them to "get" me. Jim is just one in a long line. I actually have fantasies about having someone in my life who "gets" me--friends, co-workers, and especially, lovers. Fantasies. Little, hopeful dreams of understanding. Is that wrong? And every once in a while, like today, I get bummed out, when it feels as if they will never come true. *sigh* Like, being treated like crap by someone who doesn't get me will be the best I can do. Pretty pathetic...
The whole "somebody has to 'get' me" fantasy--we're just going to go right ahead and call it a fantasy--seems selfish in the telling. I don't feel like it is. I spend an extra-ordinary amount of my waking hours kicking ass for others, and sometimes, the doing for others is a bit of a hassle for me, but, I do it anyway, because I can--I'm physically able, so, I feel like I should. And I don't do things just to stand around and wait for applause, but I can't help but wonder...when is somebody going stand up and kick some ass for ME? Cuz I could use that about now. And I'd totally applaud.
Sometimes, the people you do stuff for are neutral, sometimes grateful, and sometimes, they're just downright UN-grateful...at which time I really want to stick a fork in their eye. Of course, I don't actually stick a fork in their eye, cuz, I'm a nice person. But I do allow myself to engage in the fantasy--you know, the fantasy that, if people paid attention, they would know that there are times in life where you should be saying "thank you" and if they don't say "thank you," it should be punishable by, say, a fork in the eye?
If I had to describe my personality in any particular way, I would say that I am a chronic and pathological "thank you" sayer. And when I'm not saying it, I'm thinking it. I'm just a damned grateful person. One who thinks that ungrateful people need a fork in the eye, especially when they try to make you feel guilty for leaving, when staying was killing you. And I'm looking for some other chronic and pathological "thank you" sayers to hang out with. Other people, like me, who are nice and, as a result, maybe end up being taken for granted because of it. Yeah...where are my people?
And, if you're hot and charming and killer good in bed, you get to go to the front of the line.
(Did I just say that? Better go read it again...)
I didn't say the words to my husband...I didn't say, "Well, if you'd just been nicer to me, I wouldn't have left." I thought about it, but I didn't say it. See, I'm a nice person. And, I have this fantasy...