Thursday, April 30, 2009

May The Best Man Win

Because of all of the weird stuff that has happened in my life over the past several days, I have come up an all-new conspiracy theory!  Like to hear it?  Here it go!
As we have discussed before, I'm currently "Smoke On", which means that I let myself have cigarettes when I want them.  I'm not terribly hard-core on the smoking--a pack will last two and a half days, or more.  (Or, if I'm taking some 2000+mg of anti-biotics every several hours, a pack will last a bit longer.  Blech.)  I consider that "just barely" smoking.  And I don't smoke around my kids, didn't smoke while pregnant, don't smoke in my house (STINK!), and don't smoke around other people unless they are also smoking.  I'm actually courteous, and respectful of others, especially the non-smokers.  I'm courteous and respectful of them, mainly because I don't want to hear the inevitable whining from the whiny non-smokers, especially those that Saw The Light and quit, and are now trying to save me from myself.  People, people, people!  If Billy Graham couldn't convince me to be Christian, then do you really think you stand a chance at convincing me to stop smoking?  Ya got nuthin!
I was honest (read: stupid), when I told doctors and nurses and various other staff who asked that yes, I currently enjoy 6-7 cigarettes a day.  Sometimes 10.  Sometimes more.  Because of this, I have been the recipient of The Smoking Talk many, many times in the last four days.  It seemed to be all they wanted to talk about.  Never mind the completely unrelated infection coursing through your veins, let's talk about the smoking.  They were all very, very interested in the smoking.
I contend that there must be some prize money at stake.  Like, whichever health care professional can convince the most smokers to quit gets an all-expenses-paid trip to Bermuda.  Or, their mortgage paid off.  It's something really big, I'm sure of it.  If it wasn't really big, I can't believe they would be so focused on getting someone who barely smokes and thinks so little about smoking that I very often forget to buy cigarettes, to give up that disgusting habit.
Ahem....I can assure you, this is no "habit".  I smoke not out of compulsion, but because I LIKE to smoke.  It's not an obsession.  I believe that if I had a smoking "habit", I would not be so disciplined where my children and other non-smokers are concerned.  That's just my feelings on the matter--your mileage may vary.
So I want all you health care professionals to know that while being lectured oh-so-many times these last several days on the evil smoking thing, during those times that I was giving you that blank look, my mind was screaming, "What the hell are you even talking about?"  Did I come into the ER with a hacking cough?  No, I did not.  Chest pain?  No.  Stroke?  Nope.  ANYTHING related to smoking?  Anything at all?  Gee....I don't think I did.  In fact, is there anything in my health history even remotely related to smoking?  I mean...I am a bad, bad, smoker in her 40's, after all--you'd think it would show up somewhere, right?  Nope.  My medical history is completely free of any smoking related ailment.
It's not that I am not aware that smoking is not good for your health.  Duh.  And obviously, I am fully aware that it is not good for other people who don't smoke and are exposed to it, (which is why, when it comes to me smoking, I leave them out of it).  It's that the canned lecture means zip to me.  I already know all of this stuff.  EVERYBODY already knows this stuff.  You're not motivating me, even a little.  Smoke/Don't Smoke doesn't mean anything to me at all, because I don't identify myself as A Smoker.  I don't wake up in the morning wondering where my cigarettes are--it's usually hours between my waking and my having a cigarette.  I'm freaking busy, OK?  And if work is crazy and my mind is on other things, I don't drop everything and run outside at a certain time every day because that time is set aside for smoking, and somehow that is more important than getting the job done.  If I feel like hell, I don't try to power through it and smoke anyway--I listen to my body, and I pay attention to it when it is screaming at me to knock it off.  There have been long stretches of time in my life--years, in fact--in which I did not allow myself to smoke at all.  This just doesn't happen to be one of those times.  No big deal.
While I am, perhaps, more aware than most of the burden that habitual smokers place on our health care system, I have to ask....the you think this works?  With anyone?  Because maybe I'm just incredibly stubborn, but when someone lectures me, I am only motivated to do the exact opposite of what they want me to do.  Can't you find a better way?  Talk about stuff that I actually care about, rather than spouting off statistics, as if I haven't already heard them a million times?  I mean, I'd be far, far more motivated to stop smoking, if, say, some hot guy that I wanted to get with didn't like smokers. dropping, would be a good approach.  I'm just sayin'.
Until you change your tactics, however, I'm sticking with my cash prize theory.  What else could explain all the scrambling?  May the best man win.  (Too bad you're all a bunch of amateurs.)


  1. we have decided that when we hit 90 we are going to start full on smoking again - as a reward for not smoking all those years :D

  2. Yeah, see, I reward myself off and on, here and there...I figure it is about the same as picking myself up some really good chocolate from time to time.

    Oh, and by the time you guys are 90? Smoking cigarettes will be illegal. This is my prediction. By 2020, it will have all gone away and been replaced by history class films that school children watch and ask, "What is that thing in their hand?" and some smiling teacher tries to describe how horrible life was back in the day when people smoked.


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