Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Some Of It Is True

Burning one off, off the top of my head--ready?  Set?  Go!
  • The deli downstairs is having "Wiener Wednesday" with hot dogs, brats, etc., and one of the ladies at work is just slightly too excited about that.
  • My boss (and I swear this IS true) just asked someone how bi-focals work, because as a man in his 40's in these United States, he shouldn't be expected to have a grasp on that concept.  Really?  You don't understand bi-focals?  Bi-focals?  Why don't you just go home and lock yourself in the basement before you hurt yourself?
  • We're being asked to trust the same person who doesn't "get" bi-focals to stand up for us, to some of our highly educated clients, and explain our program without making the rest of us look like total assholes.  Hold me.
  • Let me make it perfectly clear that we do not need his assistance in looking like total assholes--we've got it covered.
  • I spoke to a client yesterday who happened to have a strong (almost stereotypical-sounding) Italian accent, who also happened to be from New York.  We spoke for a while, and he asked if he could put me on hold, so I said, "Sure."  ...And what do you suppose was his hold music?  Uh...the freaking theme from The Godfather.  The Theme From The Godfather.  Strangely, I was much more agreeable to his point of view after my short time on hold.  Touche with the subtle sales tactic.  You win.
  • Last nights Glee?  When they sang Don't Cry For Me Argentina?  Yeah, baby...
  • When I say that I started wrapping Christmas presents last night, please understand that what that actually means is I picked out the wrapping paper and bought it, then watched while one of my kids started wrapping Christmas presents last night.
  • Ditto the holiday spritz cookies.
  • Thank you, Cybermen--er....I mean, Online Retailers, for continuing to have ridiculously AMAAAAAZING deals and sending me 17 emails a day about them.  Sorry, I've spent it all.  I spent it ALL on Thanksgiving DAY!  Yep.  Not a penny left to spare on the $29.99 laptop.  Nothing but Ramen and spritz cookies from here to February.  Let me know when you reach that elusive Never-Runs-Out-Of-Money demographic you seek, OK?
  • OK, that one was a lie.  It won't be just Ramen and spritz cookies.  I probably have some pinto beans in the cupboard.  Pinto beans and a can of creamed corn.  We'll be fine.
  • I cleaned my room and the cats were so excited that I removed all of the clothing off of my chair (for once) that they now fight over the chair.  It was especially awesome to witness cats fighting over the chair this morning at 4:00AM.
  • OK, that last part was a lie.  I mean the 4:00AM part was true, but it was not, in any way, "awesome".
  • Related:  One kitten for sale, barely used.
I'd write more, but I thought it would be fun to go over and try to explain no-line bi-focals, and bi-focal contact lenses to my boss--I plan to speak to him as if he was very small, because my superiority complex has been at rest for far too long.


  1. Yay!! How'd that go? Does he have any brain cells left or did you disintegrate them?

    Buy some tortillas and have bean and corn 'things'. Yep. Nutrition. I haz a grasp.

    (Least they weren't horking on it which is what my people do on 'new' objects.)

  2. Ahem...OK, that part was a lie. I can't stand talking to that guy, so I won't if I don't have to. Any time you tell him anything, he turns around and tells someone else the exact same thing as if he originated the information. I have every reason to believe that tomorrow, he will approach me and attempt to tell me everything that is important to know about bi-focals, just the same way he insisted that he was an expert in Hmong culture because he lived in a neighborhood with a Pho restaurant for one summer. Complete non-sense, to be avoided at all costs.

    The chair was the one that Tim Gunn told me to buy. I mean, Tim Gunn's voice in my head told me I had to have it. Yes, I've given the voices in my head celebrity persona. Shut up.


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