Tuesday, August 30, 2016

White Food

Not to be confused with White People Food. More on that, later.


Probably not.

In a diet like the one I follow, there is a sort of unspoken "no white food" stipulation.

Before I continue I should probably mention my "diet" isn't full of hard rules. I am not a rules person. I have been known, on more than a couple of occasions, to enjoy a dinner consisting entirely of Castelvetrano olives and beer. Maybe you prefer a saltier olive. Go nuts.

I like to keep things do-able, so, I have "guidelines" more than rules, and because those guidelines are expressed within my writing/speaking style, they may sound something like, "Eat what appears to be an absurd amount of vegetables," or, "Only itty bits of sugar."

All of this relies rather heavily on you knowing what an "itty bit" of sugar looks like, because fuck measuring. For me it looks like I don't get to eat Little Debbie Nutty Bars for breakfast. When I was in radio, that's all I ever ate for breakfast. Morning radio...where, "I had to get up at 3:30AM," is your excuse for everything.

Radio Me would roll her eyes at Now Me, and probably light up a cigarette as an exclamation point.

Oh, cigarettes...I miss your stimulating...stimulants. If I never quit you, I might still be able to eat white food. But you stink, and everyone associated with you stinks, and I didn't spend $75 for a fucking bottle of Dolce Rosa Exelsa so I could smell like a loser.

Anyway...white food.

"White food" in my case includes sugar, white bread (white flour in general), white rice, and potatoes. It also includes corn--not white in the strictest sense, but...it's white food. It can include sauces in which white flour is used, and definitely includes any "snacks" like pretzels or chips which involve the frying or baking of the white flour or the potato, or the corn. The frying fat is fine, it's the starch I'm avoiding.

So...hear this in my I-swear-nothing-is-a-big-deal voice and it comes out to like, "Every day, eat tons of vegetables. Like an insane amount. And maybe some meat. And you can have bread, but have it first thing so you have time to work it off, and it should be multi-grain bread. Eat fruit and/or nuts where you would normally eat a candy bar. Have cheese, as long as it is real cheese. Good cheese. Don't fuck around when it comes to the cheese. Very limited starches/sugars (white food). And once every couple weeks you can break any or all of these rules so you don't go bat-shit crazy. Except the cheese. Don't eat bad cheese. Oh, and every December, you get to eat braunschweiger on white bread."

As relaxed as this all is for me, I still end up acting like a bowl of mashed potatoes is an illicit love affair I'm trying to hide from the broccoli.

Yeah, baby...put some cream cheese in there...butter....salt....a pinch of garlic powder.

Mmmmm....You're the best I've ever had.

So very, very wrong, but...so right.

I may like mashed potatoes more than I like pizza, and my gawd I love pizza. I tell anyone who will listen that the Punch Pizza Siciliana changed my life, but I don't make half the amorous noises eating that pizza as I do eating potatoes.

That might be because when I eat Siciliana, I'm sitting at Punch, and when I eat mashed potatoes, I'm sitting in my room, cross-legged on the bed with the lights dimmed.


I heard someone say that the only time you should eat white bread is if you are standing next to the bakery that made it...in Italy.

I'll add that to the bucket list. Now, where do I go to eat potatoes, free of shame? Wyoming?

The worst part about the "white food" guideline is that it works, and, I've had a lot of success in limiting those things.  I keep having to buy new pants because I'm shrinking out of them. It's actually getting to be a pain in the a$$, but I'll suck it up because it's better than the alternative. My standing joke with my doctor is, "I know none of this weight loss is due to cancer because ever time I eat white food I gain a pound--do I still have to come in for my appointment?" It's an awful joke, but he is a good sport, and yes, I do still have to come in. Damn it.

One day, when I'm old, and probably under doctor's orders to do so, I'll eat white foods all day every day, just to keep my weight up. People will probably encourage me to eat all day.

"Here, Mom, have some of this starch covered in gravy. Would you like more macaroni salad? Please eat more."

It'll be socially acceptable.

Until then, I'll keep my secret boyfriend mashed potatoes for as long as I can ride it. There ain't no reins on this one.

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