Pregnant Pause

Just crossing fingers and hanging by the phone...I might be an auntie today, but maybe not.  Here's hoping.

 

 

 

Wow....baby stuff.  When I was of the age when having babies seemed to make the most sense, I was never even remotely excited about the possibility of getting pregnant or having kids.  Even when I was married and pregnant, I spent a lot of time thinking, "Are we there yet?".  It took a while for me to grow into the idea, and I very nearly completely screwed it up, but lucked into meeting a guy who kept me from ultimately ruining my children.

 

Funny what the universe sends you...

 

 

The truth is, parenting is not a thing you want to do alone, at any stage.  So many things about our adult relationships seems so disposable--"that guy was a jerk, so I left", or, "My wife was insane, so I left".  It's easy to do these things, and even when it is not all that easy, it's still easier than being a single parent.  I say this with full awareness that I am the ultimate bad guy, having walked away from not one, but two marriages, each time with my two daughters in tow.  Stupid.  I mean, being afraid for them, as I was the second time, when we found ourselves living in a house with a teenage sex offender in the making, is a perfectly legitimate reason, and I have no regrets.  It was the right thing to do, even if that were the only reason.  As it happens, that was just the "wake up and be a parent" reason.

 

The truth is, and, I've said it before, these two young ladies saved my life--more than once.  Or maybe, rather, saved my soul.  I probably would have gone on living, doing the same stupid crap, awash in a sea of booze and god-only-knows what else, if I hadn't been given the job of bringing them up in the world.  Let's face it...it is the toughest job ever, and a certain level of attention to detail is required in order to be successful.  There are jobs in which it's a good idea to keep your head about you because you might lose a limb in a horrible accident with an auger or something--this is not like that.  It's about thinking of all of the tools that you have, and the things you were taught, what worked and what didn't, and the things you wish you had known, and plugging all of that information into action that will hopefully keep someone else from losing a limb...in both a literal and figurative sense.

 

18+ years of "It's Not About You".  What better remedy for an aggressively egocentric person like me?  We interrupt this program to bring you...20 years of something else, entirely!  Wooo!

 

Yeah, yeah...not everyone is built to withstand a pregnant pause like that one.

 

Do I think I could have done it better?  Yeah.  What parent doesn't?  And I think that might be a big part of the baby lust that women start to feel when their kids are nearly grown--wow, if they could just do it one more time, how different it would be.

 

It is highly unlikely that I'll have any more children upon which to practice my developing parenting skills.  At the same time, I'm not so sure I've earned my retirement, but, I'll take it when it comes.  Bummer there are no gold watches, retirement parties or pensions to go with that, but those jobs are few and far between anyway, aren't they?  "Job Well Done" acknowledgements only come much later, if they come at all, from anyone other than yourself or maybe the other parent.  I suppose that's why nature has made it so it takes two humans to make a baby, so maybe during those times when you screw up, someone can swoop in and save your kid from losing a limb--literally or figuratively.  Hopefully, even if you disagree about everything else, you can always agree that in matters of children, it truly isn't about either of you.

 

By my estimation, it is a lot more fun to wait for babies that I'm not giving birth to, so, I'll enjoy all things baby from a distance and hook up with the little Junior Mint later (can't BELIEVE that he had the audacity to not be born when I was there, visiting...Jeeez....babies...they're so self-involved!).  Maybe later this week, I'll post a picture of Winston Churchill and tell you it's him.  In the mean time, good thoughts, everybody!  Good thoughts!

Because Fantasy Is So Much Better Than Reality

I wrote this big, huge, long thing about how I came to be a person who doesn't subscribe to the "Life Sucks, Then You Die" bit, and how I only go for those bits of information that promote my lovely, rose-colored glasses point of view, when I realized that what I was doing was essentially "re-arrange your thoughts" writing and that I was taking the long way around to get to a simple conclusion:

 

What some people call "fantasy", and what I call a level of certainty of a really, really great outcome, no matter the odds, is so much better than the "reality" that a lot of people accept as "this is just the way it is".  Heaven help you if you don't have a dream.

 

It doesn't matter how I came to this conclusion, or what insanity I have wandered into because of it--I'm sticking to it.  And I say this, even though my fantasy life has been kicked repeatedly in the shins and knocked on it's ass a few times, too, in the last year.  For me, it's just....so weird to not get what I want.  It literally goes against everything I know.  Not that I grew up a spoiled kid or anything--I just somehow grew up not believing anyone who ever told me "you can't".

 

Anyway, I had one of those maudlin (stealing that word from Crazy Aunt Purl, because I love it), weepy mornings today, and I wondered if maybe I just have my sights set too high, because in my head I'm not getting what I think I'm supposed to be getting--one thing in particular.  I decided, after writing the big, huge, long thing, that sights can never be set too high, and that while not getting what I want every time really sucks, these setbacks are only temporary things.  We live to chip away, another day.  It shall be mine.  No wall can hold forever.  One day, my pretties...one day.  And when it happens?  I'm totally getting a tattoo...don't care if I'm 90...

 

You need to hold on to hope.  Hold on tight.  Think of the thing you want, and think of yourself with it.  Yes, disappointment sucks, but it does that to teach you yet another way how to NOT achieve what you are trying to achieve.  Slowly but surely, you will eliminate all but the correct course of action.  Keep trying.  Never quit.  Never.

Important Pumpkin Business...

Ask me how much Pumpkin Roll I ate last weekend.


Go ahead, ask me....


My mother made this. It's insanely good. I literally ate some every day for three days in a row. Actually, four days in a row--my brother had a slice left in the fridge, and I ate it for breakfast Sunday morning. Yum. Punky made sure to snake the recipe off of one of her pumpkin cans before we left, so as a public service, I thought I would share. I recommend making a double batch. :-)

Ingredients:

• CAKE
• 1/4 cup powdered sugar (to sprinkle on towel)
• 3/4 cup all-purpose flour
• 1/2 teaspoon baking powder
• 1/2 teaspoon baking soda
• 1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
• 1/2 teaspoon ground cloves
• 1/4 teaspoon salt
• 3 large eggs
• 1 cup granulated sugar
• 2/3 cup Pumpkin (this is a Libby's pumpkin recipe, by the way...)
• 1 cup walnuts, chopped (optional)
• FILLING
• 1 pkg. (8 oz.) cream cheese, at room temperature
• 1 cup powdered sugar, sifted
• 6 tablespoons butter or margarine, softened
• 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
• Powdered sugar (optional for decoration)

Directions:

FOR CAKE:
PREHEAT oven to 375° F. Grease 15 x 10-inch jelly-roll pan; line with wax paper. Grease and flour paper.

COMBINE flour, baking powder, baking soda, cinnamon, cloves and salt in small bowl. Beat eggs and granulated sugar in large mixer bowl until thick. Beat in pumpkin. Stir in flour mixture. Spread evenly into prepared pan. Sprinkle with nuts.

BAKE for 13 to 15 minutes or until top of cake springs back when touched. (If using a dark-colored pan, begin checking for doneness at 11 minutes.) Immediately loosen and turn cake onto prepared towel. Carefully peel off paper. Sprinkle a thin, cotton kitchen towel with powdered sugar. Roll up cake and towel together, starting with narrow end. Cool on wire rack.

FOR FILLING:
BEAT cream cheese, 1 cup powdered sugar, butter and vanilla extract in small mixer bowl until smooth. Carefully unroll cake. Spread cream cheese mixture over cake. Reroll cake. Wrap in plastic wrap and refrigerate at least one hour. Sprinkle with powdered sugar before serving, if desired.

COOKING TIP:
Be sure to put enough powdered sugar on the towel when rolling up the cake so it will not stick.

(Linky for Pic)