Saturday, July 18, 2015

That Time My Blog Went Into A Coma and When I Pulled the Plug I Discovered It Was Still Alive

I have had this space for a long time, and I used to love it so much. Then I stopped, and I think we can just come right out and say now that it was in fact Facebook that ruined this blog for me, and Facebook that made me stop writing for fun.
So I hate them for that. social media...whateverthefuck you are! How dare you force me to visit repeatedly?
But seriously...the integration of the blog and FB made me stop talking because you know how it is over there.
Oh come know.
The same reason you can't post political crap is the reason you can't tell some jokes on Facebook.
You know that if you drop the big scary f-bomb that your elderly aunt will call your mom or some shit, and they'll have a long discussion about how embarrassing you are and/or how you're making yourself look like a terrible person with the language and the sex jokes.
And worst of all...she's a liberal!
Oh, that's just me then? Seriously? The rest of you don't have "conservative" friends on Facebook? Not politically conservative, I mean friends like the ones who scold you because they think calling some bad driver a "fucking cunt" for cutting you off and almost causing a crash is like, WAY over the top.
It's not. Let me tell you something: When I am driving, virtually EVERY OTHER PERSON on or near the road is a fucking idiot. And some of them are worse in varying degrees. Got it? Good.
Anyway. What happened was this: At some point, I got a Facebook account. Shortly thereafter, I decided to import the blog into my Facebook profile, under the misguided notion that it would be "fun" and there would be more readers and of course it's the best thing to do! Why would you not do that?
Because it's a terrible idea.
Here is the thing. I have what I call the Fortified Inner Circle. It is a very small group of people who get Shelly: Fully Loaded for most conversations. That includes the language and the OH MY GAWD THAT'S FILTHY AND I FUCKING LOVE IT bits. In other words--unfiltered. I hate to use that word because everybody is using that word but sometimes people latch on to words that the rest of us would like to use in real speech instead of hashtags for pictures of our fucking lunch on Instagram so yes...unfiltered.
That is not to say that all I ever do in real life is make blow job jokes and swear. I just have certain people with whom I can say anything without fear of them freaking out.
I tried, and was mostly successful, doing "unfiltered" here at the blog. For the most part, I liked it. It was mostly smooth and occasionally scratchy. Just like me.  Every once in a while I would write something that became somewhat popular with a certain group of people. Unfortunately, it was usually a "smooth," and the people in question were people I knew in real life--like when I wrote about being proud of my husband for taking a big risk and career move. The people who liked my husband in real life (there were many) loved that post. What they didn't love is when they noticed that I wasn't always so nice to him on the blog. Or nice in general. Or that I used this space to poke fun at people doing ridiculous shit. My husband thought I was funny, by the way, and I would estimate a good 70% of my jokes about him came directly FROM him. People would not understand that because they don't understand the writing process, I suppose. Here's a hint: You use EVERYTHING. If you're good, you can do it in such a way that doesn't anger your significant other. Mine was never, ever, upset with me about anything I wrote. But people thought I was a horrible person because of...jokes.
And that is what was happening over at Facebook. Bottom line, I actually know the people. There are very, very few "friends" of mine on Facebook that I have not and spent time with in real life. They think I'm a certain somebody, but, as we now know, only the Fortified Inner Circle is aware that I'm not really her. People, that elderly aunt of mine is a tough audience. Those jokes were not things I would say at her dinner table. She's the one with the 600 Jesus posts interspersed with the God Bless Our Troops posts. To her credit, she did stop posting anti-Obama stuff when I appealed to her good Christian nature and asked that she pray for him instead. While I don't personally pray for the President, I do find the ploy, er...I mean idea that the man clearly needs help in prayer to be a good diversion for the actual Christians who are not just hateful bigots hiding behind a cross. (Those idiots cannot be reasoned with.) "Real" Christians will stop being assholes if you ask them nicely, because they're not actual assholes, they just got temporarily sucked into the asshole vortex.
Long story longer, I have de-integrated the blog and the Facebook. After a long time writing broadcast quality jokes (clean) for wide consumption there, I am ready to return to this little outlet where I can write longer stuff without giving a fuck about who might be paying attention (or calling my mom). I am going to assume that NOBODY is paying attention. If I write something I like, I will link via twitter only, if at all.
This is also a little challenge for me to write more of my own stuff and start using my brain again. I do write for a living (actual money changes hands...), but that is a precision thing, very technical, and examined by a team a lawyers before publish. This is just the old "from the hip" stuff. It's going to be rough, maybe for a long while. I don't care, though, because I have the luxury of knowing that unlike on Facebook, nobody is reading this shit, which is a good thing, because it's going to get a little scratchy.

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