My "Woo-Hoo!" Has Been Replaced By A "Yeah, but..."

Life has been fairly weird for me this last month or so--The fact that I haven't been talking much about anything other than knitting lately should be a good indicator that A) I'm at a loss B) I feel like my talking about this stuff won't help, and actually might make it worse and C) I can't imagine you guys would be all that interested in my downer crapola.  I personally don't like reading about other people's "Woe is me" stuff, and am uncertain that I can present it in a manner that is entertaining enough to get past my own personal expectations.

 

Having a "quiet time" goes against my first instinct to call upon the masses, voice my issue and ask, "Am I right?  Or am I just nuts?"  Just looking for my own little truth, here.  I believe, to the core of my very soul, in transparency, meaning, I'm not trying to pull the wool over anyone's eyes, not trying to con anyone into feeling a certain way or not feeling a certain way, not trying to get away with anything.  I just am.  I invite opinion.  I also have opinions, but I don't hold on to them with any voracious ferocity.  If I'm wrong, I'm wrong.  I'm not afraid of being wrong--I don't take it personally.  Being wrong about something just means that you have to change your path, or change your way of thinking, about that one thing.  Not a big deal. 

 

For the most part, I am an agenda-less observer who would ultimately rather go with the flow and see what happens than try to manipulate a situation.  Human behavior is entertaining to me.  Virtually nothing I could make up in my head would be as fun to watch as the frantic drama perpetrated by people with insecurities and agendas.  Having said that, I will add that I am as kind as I can possibly be, and, in almost any situation, I'm for the little guy, even when the "little guy" isn't actually "little" (ie, John Mayer, Kevin Smith, etc....).  I truly don't give a rats ass about impossible odds because I'm never gambling anything I can't afford to lose, and also, I feel infinitely better about myself when I'm standing up next to somebody that nobody is standing up for.  I seem to gravitate toward those kinds of conflicts in which someone is being picked on unjustly.  Might be a personality flaw....I'm certainly no Mother Theresa.

 

Anyway....what has been happening lately is that I feel like I totally lost my voice.  Like, I have something to LOSE by saying anything about anything that isn't safe.  My "Wooo-Hooo!" has been replaced by a "yeah, but..."  My confidence, my ability to know what the right thing is and do it, feels lost.  I'm falling back on safety, talking about knitting. 

 

*Yawn*

 

 

What the hell?

 

 

Today, I recognize exactly where that comes from.  I recognize why I can't wrap my head around things, much less speak about them in my usual way--it's because the things that happened to me in my life have been...well....dumb, and ugly--that some people's agenda's are less than above board, and that people I enjoyed, admired, and loved, ultimately just took advantage of my good nature.  They did things that I would never think to do to somebody else, and, for that reason, I truly, truly do not understand.  At all.  It's like a whole different language.  No wonder I question myself.

 

This post, from my friend in Duluth went a long way in helping me make sense of it in my head...she talks about naming names--I refer to it as calling a spade a spade.  When it is in your nature to be nice, to support an underdog, or whatever, it's so easy to get caught up supporting someone who paints themselves an underdog in an effort to get you to be there for them.  It's a very, very effective thing that they do.  But they're not an underdog....they just play one for their gain.

 

Albert Einstein said, "We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them".  Being hopeful, helpful, optimistic, energetic, positive and forgiving--being a good person--is what created the problem for me, with a couple of people in my life.  Maintaining that level of "nice" is certainly not going to solve my issues with them.  It's also not going to solve their problems for them.

 

So anyway....sorry for the boring upon boring-ness around here.  I would talk specifics if I thought it would help, but, like I said, it would just sound like me whining, and ultimately, that gets old, so fast.  Person A was a bitch, Person B was a jerk, Person C was a creepy cheater....yeah, yeah, yeah...who cares?  The unfortunate thing is that it makes you want to never give anyone the benefit of the doubt, or never give anyone a chance, ever again.  That's the real tragedy...

Well, Isn't That Interesting?

Yeah, yeah....it was supposed to be "interesting" a couple of weeks ago, and I suppose it was. February 9th was particularly interesting, as was January 25. Or was that the 21st? I can't remember... but I know it was interesting. Is February going sloooow for anyone else? I mean, if felt like that last interesting day was a long time ago, but it was actually only two weeks.

Hmm....interesting.

Here is your Random Wednesday of Doooooom! (What can I say? Trying to keep it interesting...)

• I have a friend who, when he says things like "Isn't that interesting?" I always get annoyed and think, "Oh shut the hell up and tell us what you really mean! GAH! WHY is that interesting? It's not 'interesting'! It's 'amusing'! Tell the truth!" Yes, this applies to me, as well. When I say "Interesting", what I actually mean is that it is amusing to me, personally--me as an evil, snarky know-it-all, that is. When I say "Isn't that interesting?", what I'm implying is more along the lines of, "I KNEW IT!" Just more snotty. Yeah, yeah, it's kind of like Vague-Booking, since you guys don't know what it is that I am talking about. Go ahead and smack me. Still interesting, though...
  
• I was searching for a particular Beatles MP3 to put on the bloggy-blog widget (right side of the page, for those of you reading the blog at Barely Contained) and put "The Beatles" in the search. I discovered hundreds and hundreds of Beatles cover band MP3's, none of which I wanted to fish through in order to get to any actual Beatles recordings. Sorry. Instead of Beatles, I added DMB and Absinthe. Who would have figured they would be more accessible than the Beatles? I'm a little startled by that, to be honest....
  
• I am starting to feel the hopefulness of daylight! Wooooo-Hooooo! Spring isn't far! I can practically smell it! Or maybe I'm just sensing some positive change on the horizon...either/or. Darkness ending.
  
• I talked to a lady today who worked in a doctor's office just a few short blocks from where I used to live in Mobile, AL. I mentioned the connection to her and she scolded me for not having a Southern accent. Wonder if I have a Minnesota accent...? Anyone? Anyone?
  
• Here's my little thing I'm working on. LOVE IT! Ok, honestly, I think it's beautiful. Or, rather, THEY are beautiful--this picture shows only one of the two. The colors are more pretty in real life. And yes, that pattern is basically made up--just stole some elements from other patterns and threw them all together. I just want to work on it and work on it and work on it! Please stay exciting, little socks....

Epiphany

This morning, I was talking to a friend of mine about our weekends, and here was my Ah-Ha! Moment Statement of the entire conversation--perhaps of my entire existence: 

 

"I wish I could find someone who actually liked me before I left them."

 

 

 

Jeezuzmarynjosef.....What the hell IS that?

 

 

Is that some kind of lame-ass, feel sorry for yourself crap, or what?

 

*sigh*

 

I try not to be one of those chronic complainer types.  When things are going wrong, I'm not first to say, "So-And-So is screwing things up!"  More likely, I think, "Am I screwing this up?"

 

 

In other words, I am the perfect companion for someone who likes to blame other people for their issues, and especially those who like to make a big deal out of everything--it's incredibly convenient to have me around so they can lay it all on the person who is already willing to accept responsibility.

 

 

Perfect for them.  Not such a great situation for me.  Oh, I live with it, and it doesn't even really bother me most of the time, but ultimately, it's not good for my soul.  I don't have an objection to taking one for the team, I only have problems when I occasionally wake up and notice that I'm the only one ON the team who's taking one for the team.  Ever.  Not that this is anyone's fault but my own--I attach a certain level of importance to relationships, and I'm willing to do just about whatever it takes to make that thing work out. 

 

Then, because I am Pollyanna, I want so very, very much for the other person to be just as enthusiastic and optimistically energetic about things as I am. 

 

Guess what?  Not so much.

 

 

Anyway, that's the short version of the long and drawn-out process by which one person in a relationship (me) gets taken for granted.  Again, not saying there is any malicious intent, here, they just turn out that way for me, pretty much all the time.   

 

Then, when I assess what is happening, decide I don't want to do that anymore, and leave, the other person suddenly realizes OMG My Life Is WAY Different And Not As Easy Without Them!

 

 

I would like it noted that I have never once said, "I told you so."

 

 

Like any other situation, I'm willing to accept responsibility for my part of the screw up.  I'm willing to say, "Yes, I am a doormat, and that personality trait turns me into a Relationship Retard."  However, I have yet to date or marry, or even work for anyone who is willing to apologize for, or even acknowledge the fact that they took full advantage of my doormat-ness, and at the end of the day, that is the problem.  THAT is the thing that leads me to say, "I wish I could find someone who actually liked me before I left them."

 

At least a half-dozen (or more) times in my life, I have been approached with the question of "Will you return?", by former mates, or former employers.  I have not yet said "yes" to any of the offers.  No, I don't hate any of these people--it's not like that.  I'm not bitter.  But for me--someone who is extremely energetic and enthusiastic in my pursuits--it takes an awful lot for me to come to the decision to abandon something.  I have a rather dogged persistence.  By the time I walk away, at least in my head, all hope is lost.  To convince me otherwise is not some casual thing.  It's a huge deal--as big a deal as it was for me to give up on it.

 

I have yet to meet my match.  I have yet to be asked to reconsider by anyone who is as excited about the prospect of reconciliation as I was about the job or relationship the first time through.  Is it incredibly egotistical of me to want someone to kiss my ass a little, or show more enthusiasm?  I don't think so.  I mean...we're talking about mostly sales and promotion people here--people who sell ideas for a living...don't I warrant any of those tactics?  Because if you don't believe in it enough to sell it, why should I?

 

Perhaps it is a lame romantic notion to believe that someone will, or should be, excited about YOU and not just excited that they found some low maintenance relief from the shit of their lives.  Maybe the movies put that romance into our heads.  What should we expect?  What do we truly deserve?  I wish it was easy to say.  Are some of us simply doomed to be the "relief" for others, and get no "relief" of our own? 

 

I have a very hard time believing that's how the universe actually works.  Really?  Accept your role as someone who provides for others, and in return, here are your crumbs?

 

Nah....sounds like bullshit to me.

 

The problem is, no matter how hard I stick to that, if I wake up alone enough days in a row, eventually, I start to wonder:

 

"Am I screwing this up?"