For 2010, Let's Try "Less Bitchy," Mmm-Kay?

I am plenty guilty of over-doing the conversational one-upsmanship attempts.

Seriously....it gets bad sometimes. You can barely talk to me without me thinking of a funny story only slightly related to the thing you were talking about, that, in my mind, is so much more funny and interesting than the thing you said, that of course, I HAVE to tell it. It's compulsive, and it's gotta be so annoying to talk to me.

"HA-HA, you're soooo funny, Shelly. Sooooo funny...," And then they retreat to some other part of the room where there is a less compulsive person they can talk to (someone who has no funny stories of their own...), so they can be funny without someone trying to out-Amusing Story them.

I've actually written letters to people I have NEVER MET before, to tell them some AMAZING story only slightly related to them. And the first line of the letter was "You're always telling stories, get a load of THIS..." or some variation there-of, because even people I have never met before are not SAFE from the COMPULSIVE FREAK.

I'm sure that person thought it was an amazing story, too. Sure they did. Sure.

Another thing? I catch myself ANSWERING celebrity tweets, when they say something funny that reminds me of something else I thought was funny.

Because I'm soooo funny...

I'm soooo funny that among the million crazed fans and slutty groupies tweeting their heart's (loin's) desire to that person at that moment that I believe, just for a second, that I alone will be acknowledged. Oh yes! That's how f*cking amusing I am...((insert eye roll...))

Competitive Amusing has always been my thing, and it has served me well--got a few free meals out of it, anyway, but now, of course, it is a much different playing field. Brings to mind a quote I heard a few months ago...

"You're a local band until you get a record contract, then all of a suddenly Bruce Springsteen is your competition."--Sam Llanas

Consider Twitter, message boards and The Internet et al, your record contract. Now that everybody can hear you....what have you got?

Uh-huh.

Well....I'm still kind of amusing.

I mean, I'm not UN-amusing. In the big arena, I'm not head gladiator or anything, but I'm not getting killed by tigers, either. For the purposes of this exercise, we'll say, "Hasn't died yet" is good enough. Nobody has gone out of their way to say, "You suck" or publicly out me as a Damned Un-Funny person. I mean, nobody that I give a shit about, so...that'll do, pig.

I think that the worst part of our shiny new arena is not all the people crowding around, trying to out-funny each other. There's no harm in that. Even if you are not THE funniest person, or you don't luck into a large number of people actually seeing that semi-amusing 140 characters, or funny comment, you're probably not hurting anybody with your class-clown "Oooo! Pick me! Pick me!" stuff. Maybe you brought somebody a smile, and that was a nice thing for them. Personally, I see all kinds of funny things on Twitter and other places that I never acknowledge. I've seen some things that made my day, and I didn't bother to say "Thank you..." My bad....there's just so much of it out there. You run out of time. I'll try harder in 2010. Perhaps there will be less of me trying to be funnier than everybody else, and more of me just LMAO-ing to the people who are funnier than me. I mean, I do a lot of LMAO-ing in real life, after all, so why not share?

The thing that pains me about our slick little "record contracts" is not the millions of people trying to make other people laugh or smile, and it's not the boring people who talk about mundane things, it's the millions of people using their newly discovered live microphones to spew loads of ugly all over their audience. Life has always been full of these people, and you could choose whether or not you wanted to be near them, if you were willing to accept them in small doses, or butt heads with them. You can still do that, it's just that now that judgmental jack-ass is one of your friend's friends on Facebook, and you're not quite sure if you should just quietly walk away and let them be the idiot bitches they are, OR, give them the artfully crafted "STFU" that they so richly deserve. And the only reason you wouldn't tell them where to go is because you don't want to offend your friend, who also happens to be their friend.

It's complicated.

And it makes you not want to say anything into your little live microphone, because there is always some troll waiting to be a dick about it.

To them I say....Really? This is ALL you've got going on? Your life is THAT pathetic that you just go around trying to make people feel bad by leaving some comment, anonymous or otherwise?

Wow. I am so, so, sorry. You make my lame "I Can Be Funnier!" attempts seem almost Rock Star by comparison. I feel like Mother Theresa compared to you! So, thanks for that. Come back when you've got something nice to say, or tell a joke that doesn't tear someone else down in the process and we'll get back to the business of me feeling inadequate and unworthy, mmm-kay?.