I Got Your Crazy

Once about a hundred years ago, I was watching Law and Order, CI, because I have a thing for men in long coats, and Vincent D'Onofrio had a great line about how schizophrenics make very good witnesses.  I always remembered that line, for some reason, and today, when speaking to my very, very first actual schizophrenic, I remembered it again.

What I do for a living is talk to doctors, and I don't hear much from patients.  Because I work for an insurance company, you can imagine that the doctors are stressful enough--adding patients to that would be like playing sad songs for a depressed person.  It would ultimately just push me right over.

Today I was working on some new technique for talking doctors hands off my throat when out of the blue, my phone rang and on the other end was a lucid, confident sounding person who said he needed to speak to someone regarding insurance fraud.  I perked right up, as anyone in an insurance company would, upon hearing the words "insurance fraud", asked him is name, and begged him to tell me what happened.

He replied that while he had been in custody that cameras and probes had been implanted in his head, and that's not appropriate treatment for schizophrenia.

Huh...wasn't expecting that.

I didn't want to go into the "why" part of the "in custody" revelation, and simply asked, "So...what makes that insurance fraud?"

"Well, you people paid for it, that's why!"  He answered.

I paused for a moment.  I mean, what else could I say but "Hmmm..."?  

Just ask any of the physicians I speak to on any given day--they'll all tell you the same:  "You SUCK because your company doesn't pay ANYTHING!"  Going by that logic, the idea that we would put up the funds to pay for experimental brain spyware seems, well....ever-so-slightly improbable.

I asked when the surgery occurred, and he said that it had happened within the last several years but that he wasn't sure of the date.

"Tell you what," I rallied.  "I know how you can see a list of every single thing we have ever paid to have done to you.  Would that be helpful to you?

He agreed that it would be very helpful.

I then rather mercilessly gave instruction on how to rend such a list out of someone in customer service, providing my new friend with the precise terminology to guarantee results.  He dutifully repeated my instructions back to me.  I gave him the phone number and transferred him directly to some unsuspecting sap who likely worked in the same office as the thug who had transferred him to me.  I figured with the right keywords, he'd sound no more crazy than the multi-degree'd physician who, after I implied that doctors across the country have just about the same remedy for a runny nose, said to me, "You know, here in Texas, we're not like you Minnesotans.  This is TEXAS GOD-DAMN-IT!" 

Really, there is nothing smarter-sounding than a person saying "This is TEXAS GOD-DAMN-IT!"  Am I right?  Or am I right?

Anyway...

That's my wacky work story for today.  As I mentioned, it is rare that I ever speak to a patient, but after this, I may switch.  Sure, this one was crazy, but, at least he wasn't stupid, and some days that's a step up.

Some Of It Is True

Burning one off, off the top of my head--ready?  Set?  Go!

• The deli downstairs is having "Wiener Wednesday" with hot dogs, brats, etc., and one of the ladies at work is just slightly too excited about that.
• My boss (and I swear this IS true) just asked someone how bi-focals work, because as a man in his 40's in these United States, he shouldn't be expected to have a grasp on that concept.  Really?  You don't understand bi-focals?  Bi-focals?  Why don't you just go home and lock yourself in the basement before you hurt yourself?
• We're being asked to trust the same person who doesn't "get" bi-focals to stand up for us, to some of our highly educated clients, and explain our program without making the rest of us look like total assholes.  Hold me.
• Let me make it perfectly clear that we do not need his assistance in looking like total assholes--we've got it covered.
• I spoke to a client yesterday who happened to have a strong (almost stereotypical-sounding) Italian accent, who also happened to be from New York.  We spoke for a while, and he asked if he could put me on hold, so I said, "Sure."  ...And what do you suppose was his hold music?  Uh...the freaking theme from The Godfather.  The Theme From The Godfather.  Strangely, I was much more agreeable to his point of view after my short time on hold.  Touche with the subtle sales tactic.  You win.
• Last nights Glee?  When they sang Don't Cry For Me Argentina?  Yeah, baby...
• When I say that I started wrapping Christmas presents last night, please understand that what that actually means is I picked out the wrapping paper and bought it, then watched while one of my kids started wrapping Christmas presents last night.
• Ditto the holiday spritz cookies.
• Thank you, Cybermen--er....I mean, Online Retailers, for continuing to have ridiculously AMAAAAAZING deals and sending me 17 emails a day about them.  Sorry, I've spent it all.  I spent it ALL on Thanksgiving DAY!  Yep.  Not a penny left to spare on the $29.99 laptop.  Nothing but Ramen and spritz cookies from here to February.  Let me know when you reach that elusive Never-Runs-Out-Of-Money demographic you seek, OK?
• OK, that one was a lie.  It won't be just Ramen and spritz cookies.  I probably have some pinto beans in the cupboard.  Pinto beans and a can of creamed corn.  We'll be fine.
• I cleaned my room and the cats were so excited that I removed all of the clothing off of my chair (for once) that they now fight over the chair.  It was especially awesome to witness cats fighting over the chair this morning at 4:00AM.
• OK, that last part was a lie.  I mean the 4:00AM part was true, but it was not, in any way, "awesome".
• Related:  One kitten for sale, barely used.

I'd write more, but I thought it would be fun to go over and try to explain no-line bi-focals, and bi-focal contact lenses to my boss--I plan to speak to him as if he was very small, because my superiority complex has been at rest for far too long.

All That Glitters

Is probably my knitting

As a rule, I try to avoid glittery yarn and all it's....glittery-ness.  Nothing says "I bought this at (Insert Your Favorite Heartland Retail Giant) for four bucks" much more than shiny, knit-but-also-glittery clothing.

I give this a pass because it's not clothing.  Or at least not for me.

Tree Skirt, in the "new" Christmas colors...

True to form, I am not quite done making this item--hopefully before there is a tree, there will be a skirt.  My children should expect no hot meals before this is finished.  The yarn is from Herrschners, and I believe they started selling this a year ago (maybe two) but they were sold out every time I looked until October of this year, so, I grabbed a bag of it and began, as soon as I was able. 

Since these are the "new" Christmas colors and most of my tree started showing this color scheme last year (in the ornaments and ribbon), the fact that I am hand knitting something to go with this trend is a sure indicator that by this time next year I'll be sick of it and ready to switch to something else.  Sometime around next Thanksgiving, I'll be reminded of my distaste for fuchsia, will re-visit Herrschners and will be advised that the NEW "New" Colors are all sold out.

*sigh*.

Until then--"Oooo-aaaaah!  How delightfully trendy!"